The Promises We Make Ourselves.

At this time of the year many of us have made a commitment to change something. We call them resolutions, New Year Resolutions. Similar words in keeping with resolution are decision, aim, declaration, purpose, perseverance, intention. Words we should remember when we struggle with these promises we have made.

Whatever we have promised ourselves that we will change we will have done so with good intentions. However, many of us start to lose focus after a couple of weeks. We lose the motivation that inspired us around the Holiday season. We become angry with ourselves and the promise we made starts to feel like a burden.

I made a promise to myself that I would simply love myself more. After all of the turmoil I had gone through in the past few years I decided it was an easy enough thing for me to do. Nothing too taxing, nothing that would make me feel like I was being hard on myself.

Love myself more.

For me, loving myself more means:

Being kind to myself.

Practising Self-Care.

Setting boundaries.

Not pushing myself too hard.

Seems easy enough, right? For the first week of January it was easy to be kind and gentle with myself. It was easy to make sure nobody was encroaching on my boundaries. By the second week I was struggling with a virus and it was all I could do to just function, self-care and self-love slipped down my list of priorities as I struggled to get through each day. I felt like a failure. How could I have failed at something so simple?

Last week once the effects of the virus had gone and I was starting to feel more human, I got to thinking about resolutions, my promise to myself, and what it all means to me. I began the year with the intention to love myself completely and that included not being too hard on myself. Yet here I was being hard on myself. Beating myself up for failing at something as easy as loving myself.

Feeling so much better had given me clarity and allowed me to see that when I was ill I was giving myself self-care and self-love. By just doing what I needed to each day and not over taxing myself, that was an act of self-love and self-care.

When we make promises to ourselves at the beginning of each new year we need to remember that life will always throw curve balls our way. Rather than giving up we should thank life/the universe for whatever lesson it was teaching us at the time and recommit to the promise we made ourselves. Losing our way also gives us a chance to tweak the promise, because life isn’t static and neither should we be.

Self love is self care.

I saw this on social media on New Year’s Day and it’s stayed with me, this notion, ever since.

Towards the end of December I kept getting the word LOVE popping into my head. Then I would see the word everywhere, and hear it too.

I was given the word COURAGE as my word of the year, but I also think I should embrace LOVE as another word of the year.

I should have the courage to love myself.

Happy To Be Me.

Regular readers of this blog will recall I have struggled with PTSD for many, many years. I started therapy late 2018 and by February 2019 we had established I hadn’t dealt with the threat that was made on my life August 23rd 1987.

It took a while for that to settle within me, the fact that I hadn’t just been raped, he’d held a knife to my throat and told me he’d kill me. The trauma of that had me stuck.

By going through with the reliving therapy I became unstuck and was able to deal with the emotions. I also discovered why I hated my face being touched – his hair had brushed against my face when he had been dragging me down the riverbank.

In June of last year an incident at my granddaughter’s school caused me to have a relapse with the PTSD. So it was back to see the therapist once more.

Dealing with everything has taught me that the feminine aspect of myself was severely wounded. Dressing in baggy clothes allowed me to feel less of a woman and therefore less of a target to rapists. Being hyper vigilant allowed me to always be aware of who was around me at all times. Keeping people at arms length allowed me to be in control. These feelings are fairly normal for someone who has been viscously attacked in such a violent way.

In recent weeks I began to realise I was actually happy. It was one of the weirdest feelings I’ve ever experienced. All of my adult life has been spent in some sort of emotional turmoil, but that has all changed. The weird wasn’t because I’ve never experienced happy, naturally I have, but this was a feeling that had been growing inside of me, gaining momentum every day and wasn’t fleeting.

Recovering from deep rooted trauma is no easy task, but it is possible. My story is mine alone and my words are not intended to diminish anyone else’s pain and suffering.

I am happy to be me.

Monday Musings – 23/12/2019.

Sometimes the best advice we can give is to simply enjoy the moment.

From my hearth to yours, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas, and if you don’t celebrate that particular holiday, I hope you have a lovely day whatever you are doing.

MERRY CHRISTMAS 🎄🎁 🎅🏻