Finding yourself……

…….can be very difficult and such a big deal.  Sometimes I would perform a little ritual every Mabon or Samhain where I would reflect upon who I was right then, in that moment.  Or I would take stock of what the year had brought and what I was hoping to achieve the coming year.

But then every piece of my life seemed to unravel and I had no idea who the hell I was.  In fact I still have trouble identifying with myself – hence this whole 366 day thing.

The reason I am banging about this stuff so much is because some people just really don’t get it when another is having a hard time.  Especially if that person is someone like me who likes to deal with stressful stuff in their own way, and without too much fuss.  You know, I get people contacting me now and again saying it is so nice when I don’t actually moan on twitter, stuff like that!
The thing with twitter is some folks can take it all a little too seriously and get arsey with you if you so much as dare to update more than once a day.  And if you so much as talk about personal stuff on there, according to some you are breaking all sorts of rules!

I kid you not!

Anyway, I retweet an awful lot of quotes because maybe I am in a pensive mood and at that particular moment in time I see a quote on twitter and think, “yeah, that is exactly how I feel”.  It bugs me when folks tut at me for doing such a thing, but sometimes when a person is having a hard time that one quote – or in my case, that whole barrage of quotes – is making all the difference to how they feel and view their problems.

I tend to keep people at arms length and I know it frustrates and worries my friends, especially my online ones who maybe don’t get regular contact with me.  I reassure everyone that I am fine, and mostly I am, but sometimes I need to retweet those quotes and it makes me come across as depressed, or vengeful, or maybe even childish.  That really isn’t my intention, I can assure you.  I find these quotes useful, especially as I seem to be on a never ending finding myself mission.

It would seem that every time I have made an important decision about where I am going to go with my life something major happens.  Wise people say we should look upon these times as challenges to help us get the best out of our lives, but I tend to feel like it is just some really bad stuff – again.  I always end up going on yet another finding myself mission and I always seem to come back to the same place.
Now, I don’t know if that is because I am supposed to be this person or if I am just messing my life up royally and fate is saying, “come on, get it right this time FFS!!!”
But then, that said, I vow that I am going to be who I want to be and everything goes well for like 3-6 months, then real life kicks my ass and I have to neglect the stuff I need to do to be the me I want to be.  I got bogged down in the technicalities of everyday life until some huge drama, or full on crisis makes me question my whole life once again and I go through this whole “who am I” crisis once more, resolve to be the me I want to be and then screw up somewhere down the line.

I think I know who I want to be and I should just organise myself a little better to achieve that.  I know I have this organised chaos thing going on, and that is so me, but I think a little organisation isn’t going to hurt.

Here’s hoping I can finally get off this whole loop I seem to be in, going over the same old stuff time and again.