I seem as though I say this kind of thing all of the time. I seem as though I revisit old mistakes time and again, but I think I finally found my way. This isn’t one of those cryptic posts where some people sit cussing at me because they think I’m taking pot shots at them, although I daresay there are those who will make this in to one because they can’t help themselves. I know where I am heading now, the blinkers have been stripped away from my eyes – finally.
I was talking to an old friend earlier this week, just random silly stuff, and I realised I had come along way since we first got to know one another. That chance meet up has been on my mind pretty much all week and I think it has helped me to gain clarity too. I noticed how much I have lost my way over the past seven years, who I was becoming then, the sacrifices I made, the chances I may have wasted. I saw myself, tonight, as if for the first time, not entirely reborn, just with fresh eyes.
Working through my beliefs for my 366 days of witchery has certainly helped get me back to where I wanted to be, where I feel I want to be heading. This pleases me as this was the intention I had all along. I am seeing situations in my life through different eyes now, where once I might react in a certain way to something, now I am more inclined to put a lot more thought into whatever is happening. Again, this is not a cryptic dig at anybody, it is an observation about how I have always reacted to situations in my “real world” and how now I am taking a different approach.
I think some of the troubles I have experienced over the past few years have jaded me enormously, making so, so cynical and hardening me back to what I had been during my late teens, early twenties. Back then it was highly likely I would have gotten into a real life fight with offending folks, something I was keen to leave behind by the time I reached my mid-twenties. I started to really get into spiritual stuff then and it helped me calm down a hell of a lot.
Then the bad stuff happened with the Great Pretender, and C and I just reverted back to who I had been before I met them. Cynical, hard-faced, unforgiving……….
Then close family members started dying an I had to face the reality of life, and it hurt. People offer words of wisdom and comfort during such times and you try to draw strength from them, but pretty soon you realise that these words are often empty and meaningless…….and that has hardened me up again, brought my inner cynic right to the forefront and I became bitter and resentful. I found myself in a never ending circle of remorse, bad choices, regret. But now I feel as if I have finally been able to jump off the never ending spiral I was on and I am on my way once more to being lighter and happier than I have felt in almost a decade.