The Hanged Man.

The final challenge of this week brings us face to face with the hanged man.

My point of view on this is this.

Life has led me down many paths and for some reason I have chosen to retain bits from every experience I have ever had.  I have felt, at times, weighed down and world weary.  But this writing challenge, along with a ritual performed at the full moon, plus a book I read earlier in the year, have shaken me up and metaphorically speaking, hung me upside down!

The hurt and anger from the past has slipped away from me.  Negativity has been banished.  Blame and shame and fear and loathing have fallen by the wayside.  Momentarily I felt emptiness, it was strange, not having all of those burdens within me anymore.  The places in my soul that they had filled up soon filled up with different feelings.  Hope, happiness, joy, bliss, love, peace.

I haven’t felt this peaceful in a long time and I have to say it is awesome!

I definitely feel liberated and I love it!!!

Justice

This week I have blogged an awful lot of hidden truths about myself, shared stuff on social media and had a fantastic amount of good wishes and support from people who both knew the truth, and those who had no idea.  Talking with my husband yesterday I admitted I had written a blog post about the whole ordeal; it’s long, it’s harrowing and I haven’t had the courage to post it yet.  It is sitting on my dashboard as a draft.  Writing it almost made me throw up, the remembered ordeal, the getting down of facts onto the document.  I haven’t read it back and when I go onto my blog’s dashboard I ignore it like the plague.  My husband said that the best thing I can do is take this next stage of my recovery one day at a time.  Yes, that is what it is, a recovery.

With the writing challenge in mind I am thinking about what does my soul want in terms of this “thing” in my life?

Justice was served, sort of – the sentence was reduced as I wasn’t actually killed!!!

That always sat wrong with me.  The fact that an 18 year sentence was reduced to 12, with 8 years served, always made me feel that justice was not properly served.  The crime was not only committed against me, there were other victims too, but only myself and another woman got justice.

So with all of this in mind, what does my soul want?

I have found that my soul just wants me to let the real me out.  The me who was full of life and vibrancy.  The real me who got shoved back inside because the injured me didn’t want anyone looking at me.  Didn’t want anyone to compliment me, or really engage with me.  I asked my husband if there was ever a time I was different when we were first getting to know one another.  He told me when I was drinking I was always a happy, carefree person, willing to have fun and not afraid to smile and shine.

That was the old me, the me before the attack.  It dawned on me that I could only be myself when I was inebriated.  That was a pretty uncomfortable admission.  Of course, I had to give up drinking alcohol many moons ago.  I cannot take NSAID type medication as I am allergic to it, so my fibro and arthritis are managed by pain meds alone.  And pain meds and alcohol just don’t mix, so the choice was medication or a drink?  The pain was too much to ignore, so the meds won out.  I had other addictions that had emerged because of the attack – solvent abuse and  bulimia – but they were eventually conquered in the early 2000’s.

The realisation that when I was first with my husband I was only my true self when I was drunk kind of stung a little.  Of course I am my real self with him now, I have been for many years, our relationship is solid and he knows me better than anyone else.  He knows things – fears, worries, happy moments – that no other person alive knows about.  He gets to see the real me, the me that nobody else gets to see.  But his admission that I could not be this person when we first met, unless I was under the influence, really stung.  And I knew why, all of those fears of being seen, really being seen and being hurt and the need to hide away, they prevented me being my true self.  I was afraid to shine because I had been hurt by a monster and I didn’t want other monsters to see me, for fear they may attack too.  When monsters attack you get a warped view of your own life and the world around you and crazy stuff makes so much sense to you, but not to anyone else around you, so you hide out more for fear that your craziness will attract more monsters.

And thinking about all of that made me think “what would that version of me want in terms of justice?”

I meditated upon this and what sprung forth really surprised me.

To be that happy, carefree, joyous person is the best justice.  It shows I was not beaten.  It shows I am alive and thriving and doing fantastically well.  He didn’t break me, not really.  His crime against me was all about power and dominance, but I rose from the ashes and am stronger than ever, he did not defeat me.

That is my justice, the justice that my soul seeks.

After The Kiss.

Julie Greene is a writer for a very popular magazine, Sex, Love and Stiletto.  Her latest assignment is to write about falling in love, not her usual gig.  Julie is all about first dates, wonderfully, sexy first kisses and getting out before things get too serious.  But now her editor wants a different angle from her and rather than allow a work rival to fill her shoes on this particular assignment, Julie agrees to write the article.  Cue the start of Julie’s research into “how to fall in love” and her mission to find a man for her experiment.

Mitchell Forbes, recently single after ditching his long term girlfriend, is also on the lookout for a woman to help with his own experiment.  Mitchell and a friend wage a bet that Mitchell cannot get involved with a woman without falling in love with her.  Mitchell works on Wall Street and is quite staid when it comes to life and living it.  But can he have a casual fling, and if so, who with?

Julie and Mitchell are set up by their respective friends, neither mentioning their own personal reasons for wanting to hook up.  They hit it off immediately and the chemistry between them is fabulous.  They begin dating and neither wants to admit to themselves that they are falling for one another.  Eventually they both decide to come clean to one another about their reasons for getting involved in the first place, which ends in disaster, leaving Julie’s journalistic career in the balance.  Can Julie’s career be saved?  Can Mitchell ever forgive Julie for what she did?

I loved this book.  It is was a fun read and not as predictable as I thought it would have been.

Recommended for lovers of this genre.

5 stars *****

Review Of The Storycatcher.

Wow!!!

This book was just brilliant.  I was captivated by the story and the characters right from the very first page.

The story tells the tale of Shelley Parker, her mother and brother, Faith Dobbins and her mother and father, who is the Pastor at the church.  There are also a couple of other characters that are vital to the story.  Shelley can see ghosts, as can one or two other characters in the book, and she is being haunted by the ghost of a young girl who is insisting Shelley reads her diary – she even tells her where to find it.

Pastor Dobbins is one of the central characters in this book and he is as rotten as they come.  Shelley, her mother and Faith and her mother, along with a handful of ghosts are trying to bring an end to Pastor Dobbins reign of terror.  The story weaves in and out of each other integral characters lives throughout the book, building the suspense and anticipation to a fever pitch, until the point of no return is reached for each of the characters.

A very well written, gripping tale of love and betrayal and the building and destroying of friendships.  The author really captivates the reader right from the off and keeps you hooked right until the end.  Clever and brilliantly written.  Cannot recommend highly enough.

5 stars *****

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!!!