I’ve been talking about songs that rip me open and evoke powerful, disturbing and unwanted memories. I’ve often talked on this blog about a Tears For Fears song whose lyrics felt very personal to me in the days and months after I was attacked. I mentioned yesterday that there are songs that remind me of that time, but I rarely listen to them now.
Naturally one of those songs would just happen to play on the radio later on that day, taunting me.
This particular song is something I listened to a lot in the dark times of my life, finding comfort in the lyrics and feeling they were just for me. It reminds me of my substance abuse and reliance on alcohol to cope with the horror of what had happened to me. It helped me make sense of the addictions I had post- attack. It reminds me of how dead I was inside and how much of myself got taken away from me in the early hours of that Sunday morning. It reminded me of who I was before I was attacked and how much of myself I lost in the days,weeks, months and even years afterwards.It reminded me of who I used to be and listening to it yesterday reminded me that I’m a million miles away from that broken little girl who was brutally attacked at knifepoint. I felt everything as I listened to this song, but I also realised that whilst I will never get over that attack, I have found peace inside of myself and that bastard can never take that away from me. He may have taken my innocence, shattered my hopes and dreams, he may have broken me back then, but I fixed me and my Mr. Wonderful helped and between us I am stronger than I ever was.
Again, I rarely listen to that sort of music anymore – the sort that stirs up the pain that ripped my life apart post August 23rd 1987. Those songs helped me grieve and allowed me to cope, but now they just remind me of how fucked up I was and I can’t listen to them without instantly feeling like I’ve been transported back to that time, even if I am a stronger person now, I just don’t want to listen to certain songs anymore.