What would you change?

I was looking at a journal prompt book earlier and came across an idea to write a letter to my 13-year-old self.  I pondered this for a moment, but then I decided against using that particular prompt as the idea was to discourage the younger me not to make the mistakes the older me has made.

I don’t know about you but I happen to think my life has been one long journey of living and learning, and whilst some of it as been really damn hard, it has really shaped me into the person I am today and I am actually proud of who I am.

Don’t get me wrong, if I had the choice I would prefer not to have been attacked, and yeah, I’ve learnt some really valuable lessons from that time in my life, but it isn’t something I would wish on another person ever.

There is also something I really regret doing – it’s a very personal thing – and I really wish I had never done it, but the past can’t be changed, it can only be learnt from.  So, if those two things were removed from my life, just scrubbed from my history then I would be mostly happy with the other lessons life has taught me.

You know, I pondered a few decisions I had made with regards to certain so-called friends and I still think I would have done things the same way.  The thing is, to change how I have lived my life would be to deny who I truly am and I don’t think I would be me had I acted in a different way.

The question  “what would you change about your past if you could?” presents us with a real possibility to take a long, hard look at our lives and see how honest we can be.  I am not saying my life is perfect, far from it.  But I know I have strived to be authentically me throughout and that is something that has served me well.

I have made decisions based on being true to myself and to change any of that would mean I may not be honest with myself, something I am not comfortable with.  The one thing I would say to my 13-year-old self would be to always strive to be the best version of yourself, that way you don’t need to compare yourself with anyone else, you are enough.

I think sometimes, instead of looking to change ourselves all of the time we need to just be true to ourselves.  Also, trying to change the past is impossible, whereas learning lessons from the past is something we should all do in the quest to be our best selves.

A Song For Every Year I’ve Been Alive.

From the very first song I shared for 1971, the year I was born, to this song I’m sharing today, the music has ranged from one genre to another and represents my tastes.  There were some days I struggled to find a song that I’d actually liked for that year, others where I had to pick from one of many.  

I’ve enjoyed thinking about what the songs mean to me and how I’ve felt. I’ve deliberately kept them positive because I feel I’ve shared enough darkness already. Some years throughout my life I’ve really struggled with PTSD, personal difficulties, grief, and everything in between.  But I now choose to focus on the positive. No, my life isn’t all sweetness and happy days, it’s just like other people’s lives, days where I think I can’t possibly take anymore.  Days where I could happily throttle some people, days where I just want to curl up and go to sleep for a very long time.  But then I have days where I laugh so much I forget – even just for a little while – those oppressive troubles and everything feels light and fun. 

I’m showing up as the real me, not the watered down version people would prefer.  I’m 45 years old and I know who I am and am happy in my own skin.  It took me a long time to get here and everything that has happened has shaped me and made me the person I am today.

This song is not from 2016 because quite frankly I do not like a single thing that is around at the moment.  I’m not going to pretend I do just to keep my blog on theme, hell no. I just like the song, it’s that simple.