Self discovery.

August was a brutal month for me. It began with an appointment for an MRI scan on August 1st. Only that didn’t happen because the scan was to be of my head and so the equipment had to be really close to my face. Cue the mother fucker of all flashbacks and a massive panic attack.

The staff were excellent with me and fetched my husband. As soon as I saw him I fell apart. The tears flowed and the painful memories scorched my mind, descending me into a pit of fear and paranoia.

The dreaded day is of course in August. August 23rd. August 23rd 1987. So long ago, yet it could have been yesterday, the pain is still just as raw. All things considered the day passed without incidence, but I’d had a torrid time up until that day. Some of my actions during this time have been questionable, but I won’t go into that right now.

Towards the latter part of August the healing finally began. I guess I had to go through all of the pain and suffering once again, there was no other way around it. The healing felt blissful, it still does. Finding joy in simple pleasures. Not taxing my brain with difficult tasks or problems, but being gentle with myself.

I’ve fought the urge to do too much, there have been times when I’ve been asked something and I haven’t been able to get into whatever it is, the magnitude of the situation not being too grand but my ability to deal with it in the here and now certainly reduced.

During August I also started a journey of self-discovery. For me it is a very personal journey, so no, I’m not going to go into too much detail. I will say it’s a path I stumbled upon around 2015 and it involves the divine feminine.

There have been subtle nudges in my life that have made themselves known to me and I have been putting off committing to this journey. But then the PTSD episode struck and was pretty relentless for a while, and I eventually succumbed to trauma that was resurfacing and allowed myself to feel the pain and suffering that 16 year old me felt. And then I just felt ok again. As quickly as it had returned it left me alone again.

I feel tender-hearted at the moment, emotionally unstable, but nevertheless whole. I can’t spend too much time on social media because there is so much suffering being shared. Right now it hurts too much to even look at the words and images that are shared there. So I have limited my use to responding to my kids and one or two other people who have held my hand throughout this reoccurrence.

My self-discovery journey feels like the right tool for me to get back on track with my life. I feel like I have come out of the other side of a particularly nasty PTSD episode. I feel battered and bruised, but I am surviving and that is what I take on this new journey with me.

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