If you’ve been around my blog long enough you’ll know that I have been at odds with who I am for a very long time. The event in 1987 changed me from a sassy 16 year old, who believed she could take on the world, to a broken girl who lost her self identity. It took many PTSD episodes, counselling, therapy with psychiatrists and a whole lot of heartbreak to find who I am.
I’ve shared my progress with those closest to me, they have witnessed me returning back to the self-confident woman I am once again. It’s all too easy to say that I’ve got here by this therapy technique, or that type of medication, if only it were as simple as that. I have worked hard on my issues, left behind people, places, beliefs, negative self talk, and much, much more to get to where I am now.
Being myself has always been my goal, ever since my identity was ripped away from me when I was 16. I never thought it would take so long to get here, but it’s ok, lessons learnt along the way have left me with so much life experience.
I’ve spent a few days pondering over a conundrum in regards to an old friend. The friend that lied about me and owing them money. With my self confidence finally returned I felt it was only natural to get in touch and ask why they were saying such vile things about me. It felt like something I needed to do. But with each passing day I found I just couldn’t be doing with the nuclear bomb of toxicity that would go off should I get in touch with them.
So I haven’t bothered. I’ve realised it doesn’t even matter. I know I have never borrowed money from this person. Ever. I know the truth. The people who get this tale aren’t people I’m even acquainted with, let alone friends, so what does it matter if I get to shout my truth from the rooftops? It’s not worth the time and energy that this would entail. I’d rather concentrate on myself and how much I have to look forward to.
Loving me. Loving who I am. Loving my life.
I’ve said this before, loving you is not a vain or self centred act. You love yourself first and foremost. You know about giving yourself oxygen first in a plane crash, right? Well loving you first is the same principle. You love you. You take care of you. You nurture you. You have time dedicated to self care for you. I’ve done this and more in the past, but buried deep issues prevented me from fully believing I was worthy of such love for myself. I preached this, a lot, in my business and with clients. But I didn’t truly believe I was worthy of my own self love.
People would lie to me, talk about me, try to hurt me, and I would fall into the trap of believing what smack talk they were aiming at me. I mean, surely if this was being said about me it must be right, right?
If someone has an issue with you then that’s their issue to deal with. If you’re not intentionally hurting someone, or lying, or breaking laws, then what can you really do about it? It isn’t on you to make them change their opinion. You just need to carry on shining brightly and showing up for yourself, and for the people who you want to have in your life.
Being uniquely you is a tremendous gift and absolute pleasure. Each day you live your life attuned with your own vibration, enjoying life, feeling grateful, being mindful of how you conduct yourself. This is what your true purpose is, being uniquely you. The rest that follows is the beautiful thing called life. Whatever you do with your time, if it makes you happy, then that is what matters.
When I was trying to feel me I spent so much time searching for my life purpose. I tried my hand at this and that, never fully feeling at one with what I was doing. I was exhausted. Unhappy. Unfulfilled. The negative self talk was running rife through my mind, causing me no end of problems, having me fall victim to negative suggestions about myself.
And then I realised how unique we all are. My gifts are mine. My perception is mine. Your gifts and perception are yours. What we each do with those gifts will help to shape us throughout our lives. Forever learning, continually growing. This is life. This is our purpose.