There’s a huge debate going on all over England- in homes, online, in government, in the media – about whether England should go into another lockdown.
This isn’t a political post. This is my personal reason for why I do not want another nationwide lockdown.
My mental health buckled under the last lockdown. I was on the verge of a breakdown, all brought to the fore by lockdown.
Yes, I’m on medication now, but there’s no emotional support here once everything locks down. Everyone is dealing with their own personal crises once lockdown hits. Me saying “I’m drowning again, please help” feels very selfish when people have their own MH to worry about.
I don’t want to have to be in that dark place again. Fear having control of my life. Not being able to sleep because hyper vigilance is ramped up to the max. The four walls closing in on me, jumping at any noise outside and wondering who might be watching.
Yes, this all sounds selfish when you compare it to what’s happening with the pandemic. I just don’t know if I’ll survive another lockdown mentally.
That took a huge chunk of time to realise, but I no longer feel guilty for being happy. It’s ok. It’s allowed.
Recovering from trauma and PTSD episodes is really hard, but once I let go of how I thought I should feel and just allowed myself to be……that’s when the miracles started to happen. The miracles of happiness and feeling that happiness right to my core. The miracle that I actually love who I am, and that’s how it should be. The miracle that allows me to trust people who aren’t my family.