Unlearning.

My mental health is not great right now, the joys of PTSD and hyper vigilance! I’ve been taking each day as it comes and doing what I can to be gentle with myself. Sometimes it feels like I’m doing great, other days I feel like I can’t manage to hold the demons at bay.

I’m leaning into the divine feminine, the whispers of the goddess, letting the female ways bathe me in their gentle wisdom. I’m not going to lie, some days I feel so hurt inside I’m not sure how I’ve got through. The wounds are so deep and raw, masculine energies stinging already festering wounds of shame, guilt, heartbreak, fear, pain so deep it now feels like part of who I am……

There’s a void inside of me that I haven’t managed to fill, to nurture back to wholenesses. I don’t know how to. The pain and shame come and go, the void remains. There’s a hole inside of me where all of the bad shit falls into and makes its way to the broken parts of me.

There are days I look at my life and think, how have I managed to live for 34 years beyond the apocalypse? Then there are days that bring me so much joy, they light up my life and remind me why I didn’t give in.

I’m going through a process right now. I’m unlearning all of the bad stuff people have said to me that convinced me I wasn’t worthy, I wasn’t enough.

I’ll get there, I know I will. Those bad days will end. The feelings that try to destroy me will fade. I’ll find comfort and joy and peace again, I know I will.

For The Fallen.

In a few days we remember our fallen heroes.

For the Fallen by Laurence Binyon.

With proud thanksgiving, a mother for her children,

England mourns for her dead across the sea.

Flesh of her flesh they were, spirit of her spirit,

Fallen in the cause of the free.

Solemn the drums thrill: Death august and royal

Sings sorrow up into immortal spheres.

There is music in the midst of desolation

And a glory that shines upon our tears.

They went with songs to the battle, they were young,

Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.

They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,

They fell with their faces to the foe.

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning

We will remember them.

They mingle not with their laughing comrades again;

They sit no more at familiar tables of home;

They have no lot in our labour of the day-time;

They sleep beyond England’s foam.

But where our desires are and our hopes profound,

Felt as a well-spring that is hidden from sight,

To the innermost heart of their own land they are known

As the stars are known to the Night;

As the stars that shall be bright when we are dust,

Moving in marches upon the heavenly plain,

As the stars that are starry in the time of our darkness,

To the end, to the end, they remain.

A Daily Om about Worth.

Worth

Your worth is not a product of your intelligence, your talent, your looks, or how much you have accomplished.Though much of who and what we are changes as we journey through life, our inherent worth remains constant. While the term self-worth is often used interchangeably with self-esteem, the two qualities are inherently different. Self-esteem is the measure of how you feel about yourself at a given moment in time. Your worth, however, is not a product of your intelligence, your talent, your looks, your good works, or how much you have accomplished. Rather it is an immeasurable and unchanging manifestation of your eternal and infinite oneness with the universe. It represents the cornerstone of the dual foundations of optimism and self-belief. Your worth cannot be taken from you or damaged by life’s rigors, yet it can easily be forgotten or even actively ignored. By regularly acknowledging your self-worth, you can ensure that you never forget what an important, beloved, and special part of the universe you are. 

You are born worthy — your worth is intertwined with your very being. Your concept of your own self-worth is thus reinforced by your actions. Each time you endeavor to appreciate yourself, treat yourself kindly, define your personal boundaries, be proactive in seeing that your needs are met, and broaden your horizons, you express your recognition of your innate value. During those periods when you have lost sight of your worth, you will likely feel mired in depression, insecurity, and a lack of confidence. You’ll pursue a counterfeit worth based on judgment rather than the beauty that resides within. When you feel worthy, however, you will accept yourself without hesitation. It is your worth as an individual who is simultaneously interconnected with all living beings that allows you to be happy, confident, and motivated. Because your conception of your worth is not based on the fulfillment of expectations, you’ll see your mistakes and failures as just another part of life’s journey.  

Human beings are very much like drops of water in an endless ocean. Our worth comes from our role as distinct individuals as well as our role as an integral part of something larger than ourselves. Simply awakening to this concept can help you rediscover the copious and awe-inspiring worth within each and every one of us.

A change of opinion….

I have always considered Mercury retrograde to be a time where I am going to be confused, a time where there are delays, technology not working for me, traffic jams, and general annoyances. But recently I read something that made me stop and think.

What if we were looking at Mercury retrograde all wrong?

What if we use this time to pause and reflect? What if we use this time to just be still? No big decisions, no major life choices, just looking at where we’ve been in life over the last few weeks or months. Just assessing everything and making sure we are where we want to be, and if not, planning what steps we need to take to get there.

I think a lot of us have got caught up in the mercury retrograde hype and tend to focus on what can go wrong instead of how we can use the energies to enhance our lives.

I still think the communication and technology glitches will occur, but I’m going to do my best to use the energies in a positive way rather than see them as a bad and negative thing.