Tuesday Truth – 15/09/20

Recently I’ve realised even the most well meaning people, those who claim they are forgiving and non-judging, even they fall short. It sounds quite obvious when I see the words before me, after all, none of us are perfect.

I’ll say it again: None of us are perfect.

It’s hard to forgive people who have hurt you, boy don’t I know it! But I’m the type of person who will give people a million chances, and then a million more.

People I’ve known for a long time and who I’m connected to personally, professionally, even spiritually, are some of the people I end up forgiving over and over again. We have connection. We have history. We supposedly have friendship…… I have given chances to them, even when they’ve lied about me to peers.

I have struggled with my mental health in the last three years and the ones who I thought would have my back have used my “sins” as a tool to punish me with, hence some of the lies.

I hear them preaching love and forgiveness, but I know it’s all a facade as their version of forgiveness is selective. This leads me to wondering why some people are all talk and no action, and others – usually the ones who have struggled and suffered the most – cannot bear to see other people suffering.

My “sin” is that when shit gets real for me I hide away from people who I am supposed to trust. But trust is not something I can easily slip into when PTSD comes a-calling. Trauma victims often shut down and go into survival mode, where there is no room for anyone but themselves. It isn’t personal, it’s trauma related behaviour.

I’ve been labelled as distant, cold, hard-faced, incapable of feeling, etc when I’m in survival mode. This is quite a shocking thing to hear when someone you believe has your best interests at heart says this about you.

It doesn’t help with the trust issues, but reinforces that trauma related dialogue that goes on inside your head. It reinforces your belief that you are everything your abuser or attacker said about you. It reinforces that lack of self worth you have honed over many years of hating upon yourself.

It is a very difficult cycle to break. Our minds are constantly churning out thoughts and if we allow the negative stuff free reign, it quickly takes over.

There was a time when I would believe I was unworthy of love and friendship. I would believe that if this person wasn’t willing to forgive me then I must be awful. Or if that person wasn’t willing to forgive me I must be a truly shitty human.

I know I am not.

I know I am worthy of love, happiness, friendship, peace, and much more.

I can’t change the past, it happened. I can’t change how I acted or reacted, it’s in the past. I have apologised to the people who I hurt, whether they forgive me or not is up to them. I have forgiven myself for feeling bad about how acted when I was in the midst of a PTSD episode. I have forgiven myself for acting in that way.

I believe that to truly forgive people you must first learn to forgive yourself.

Monday Mooncards – 14/09/20

It never ceases to amaze me how these cards work in sync with me. I do share them on here, there’s a message for everyone who cares to accept it, but they are also a message for me too.

Right now in my life I’m embarking on transformation and beginning a new chapter in my life. It’s the same me, but perhaps with a different side showing. So how very apt this card is!

The message is also one of letting go, whether that be of a person or a situation, you will know which it is.

Detaching from a situation allows you to let your true self shine through and show the world who you really are.

Shine bright like a diamond.

Review of This Time Next Year by Sophie Cousens.

It was very surreal reading this book that is mostly set in 2020 and there is no mention of COVID, obviously!

I instantly loved Minnie Cooper – what a name! – she was just what you would want in a character for this genre. Quinn Hamilton started out as a decent sort of guy, but for me, he went down hill fairly quickly. His personal issues did explain a lot and I was torn over whether I thought they were the reason he was the way he was, or whether he used them as an excuse to hide behind when it came to intimacy.

The to-ing a d fro- ing from present day to the past was a little annoying, I totally got why the author had written chapters in the past tense and they did flesh out the background of both Minnie and Quinn, but I just wasn’t a fan of that style in this instance.

There are lots of comical moments in the book, and it isn’t dripping with saccharine sweetness, so it’s a perfect light-hearted read.
On the whole I think lovers of the romcom genre will love this book. Definitely recommended for lovers of that genre.

Always remembered – 9/11

Nothing shocked me as much as the terrorist attacks in New York and Pennsylvania on 9/11/01.

I’ve been shocked by other terrorist attacks, who wouldn’t be, but the 9/11 atrocities were witnessed all over the world more or less live. I remember watching the footage of the first plane and could not believe what I was witnessing, then the second plane hit whilst I was watching the news – that day is etched in my memory forever.

I’d always wanted to go to New York and have a meal on the top of the twin towers, it had been a dream of mine for so long. When I did get the chance to go to New York I knew the 9/11 memorial museum was a place I just had to visit.

Nothing prepares you for what you see inside. Most of the footage and recording of the victims phoning their loved ones is banned from recording.

Phone calls where men and women are calling home because they know they aren’t going to survive. Passengers on all of the planes, firemen, policemen, workers at the World Trade Center, the Pentagon…..hearing those phone calls…..words cannot describe the raw emotion and the way they were resigned to the fact they were going to die.

Heartbreaking.

These photos were taken inside the museum, in the permitted area.

Tuesday’s Thought – 08/09/20

Feeling empowered is not an indulgent whim, I think we all should embrace this feeling, and here’s why.

When you feel passionate enough about something to take action you are feeling empowered. You allow this empowerment to let you take action and make your world a better place for you and others.

We all know that 2020 has been a right doozy of a year, some have thrived whilst others have barely survived, and yet there are others who have muddled through. There is nothing wrong with anyone from any of these categories, people handle a crisis in different ways.

I’ve felt a sense of empowerment sweep over me these last few weeks and it has lead me to realise that feeling empowered is a very useful tool in a soul love teaching sort of way.

Sometimes we are led to believe that empowerment means we must jump aboard the latest trend – whatever that may be. We are led to believe that to be empowered we must be fighting for a cause greater than our own needs.

There’s nothing wrong with fighting for your own needs. There’s nothing wrong with feeling empowered about circumstances you want to change in your own life, never feel ashamed of putting yourself first. We all know the “put your own oxygen mask on first” analogy, and we can all agree that this is a wise move.

The reason this analogy gets used so much is because we all need to take care of ourselves first. We cannot pour from an empty cup. When you stop to think about this it makes total sense.

Thus it is the same when we need to feel empowered. We need to champion our own cause first and foremost. Taking care of our own needs is not selfish. How are we supposed to get truly passionate about any cause if we cannot even get passionate about our own lives?

To be empowered about improving our lives is an excellent starting point. As we move through the pandemic and other turbulent events that are happening around the world we need a sense of purpose in our own lives to get us through.

Empowerment is the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in controlling your own life. It allows you to set healthy boundaries and really see where your energy leaks are coming from. It allows you to find purpose and manoeuvre your life towards a path that you really want it to take.

Most of all it gives you a passion for living your best life, which in turn helps you to focus on causes that are dear to your heart. That’s when you move onto being empowered about other things. But first you have to tend to yourself.

Moonday Moon Cards – 07/09/20

This card indicates that whilst change is in the air, nothing is yet set set in stone and there’s still room to manoeuvre.

Tell yourself “I know that the best will unfold for me.”

There’s room for flexibility in your plans, they aren’t yet final so make sure you are clear on what you want. If you fee some things need tweaking, now is the time to do this.

Staying adaptable is the key to success for you now.