Solstice Blessings.

I know astrologically this was yesterday, but I always stick to the 21st for Litha, Yule, Mabon and Eostre.
Today is really horrid here in the North, yesterday was lovely, but I guess that’s just a typical Cumbrian summer – virtually non-existent.

To celebrate I had a lovely meal earlier and then I performed my ritual, then it was time for my meditation.  During the meditation – not one of my own – I was to visulaise myself within a stone circle with others, only those who I sensed were with me were my deceased loved ones.  That was quite unexpected, but very pleasant.  I’ve been having a bit of an obsession again just of late – the same obsession I am having to receive counselling for – so it’s kind of helped with that.
Anyway, so the sun has reached its zenith and in a few days we will feel the earth shift once again – I always sense the standstill around the sabbats, and sense when we are on the move again – nothing lasts forever, time is precious to us and we should make the most of our days.

Wishing you all a Blessed Litha, may the sun shine on your life (even if it is wet and dark like much of the UK) and bring joy and peace to your world.

Saturday

Saturday’s, for me, are supposed to be all about letting my hair down and doing as little as possible when it comes to doing things for others.  It has recently occurred to me that despite all of my health issues my family lean on me just a bit too much.  As my husband pointed out, I really am too kind hearted.  With this in mind I planned to extend the Sunday ritual that I have into the entire weekend.
On a Sunday I always do at least one restful thing, mostly it is a little time spent meditating or visualising and it is the only day I ever seem to actually stick to my guns on such things.  With the recent Super moon I feel more exhausted than ever, the energies have been greatly amplified and dramas that would never normally be dramas have knocked spots off the usual dramas!
I have had my fill of family daftness this week.  I call it daftness, well, because it really was only daftness.  The energies of the Super moon seemed to intensify the daftness and turn it something it didn’t need to be but it has drained me so much that I thought it was high time I started saying no – more than I do.

You know, I’m full of good advice for others when it comes to problems and dramas in their lives and generally family and friends rally to me for that advice.  One of the most common pieces of advice I give is learning how to say no, yet here I am not heeding my own advice and feeling so run down.
So I decided last night that my weekends are now going to be all about relaxation and restfulness and meditation and other stuff like that.  Next weekend I will be doing my Reiki level 1 and I want to be in a good space, emotionally, for that.

The Supermoon.

I wrote this blog post last weekend, when the energies of the Supermoon were really strong.  Since then I have noticed that they are still influential, especially in areas that would be a mere hiccup and not the major drama they are turning into.

The moon is really close to earth right now.  When she rises she looks so close that we almost believe we can reach out and touch her.  Different theorists have different theories – as they would ;p – about how she will affect us.  I have personally felt an intensity in emotional issues that haven’t been prevalent for a very long time.  People who I have no contact with stirring up trouble and dragging me into it; family issues that I thought were long resolved got dragged up again; petty annoyances with my not so wonderful neighbours have really intensified.  It’s like everything on an emotional level for me is being super charged and thrust back at me, requiring me to deal with it NOW.

I have felt particularly helpless in all of these areas.  I know I haven’t done anything wrong in regards to the not so close and ex friend issues – because I haven’t seen them, spoken to them or had any contact with any of them.  I cannot fix something I haven’t broken, nor can I get involved with something that I have no role in.  A stirrer is stirring the pot of emotional drama and trouble and everyone involved is acting exactly how she wants them to – including taking potshots at me because she loves to sulk about any of her “set” interacting with me.  She only needs to say I have “abused” her and the drama starts – again.  But I haven’t spoken to her or any of her “set” in what feels like forever so I know that what she is saying is all a pack of lies, just to cause trouble and the Supermoon is adding that extra bit of bite to the already volatile situation.
The family dramas are just silly things and yet I feel helpless – as I do with the friendship/ex friend issues – on both counts it is down to petty behaviour and I am loathe to get involved with such childish shenanigans; like I pointed out, I am 41 not 14.
The neighbour issues are the usual – next door parking along my front when they have their own space.  They haven’t had the opportunity this past fortnight as DD1’s boyfriend had left his car here while he was away doing exams.  His car was moved, (by him), yesterday and within a couple of hours they were back on our front.  The next-door-but-one idiot  has bought her supposedly seriously ill son a motorbike.  He is 14.  He revs it in the back garden for hours until she gets sick of the noise and then he rides off on it – no helmet, no insurance, no license.  So more dramas I have no control over, but getting under my skin all the same.

Generally I rise above the neighbours, because I know they have no manners, are ignorant and selfish and if they think their behaviour is annoying they do it all the more.  The family stuff I tend to keep out of and let them sort themselves, being on hand if they ask for advice, that sort of thing.  As for the friend thing, well, these are the same set of friends/ex-friends I have had dramas and troubles with for as long as I can remember.  I came to the conclusion a while ago that they aren’t my friends and I moved on from them.  That my name has been thrown back into the mix for one troublemaker’s perverse pleasure is just unfortunate I guess.  I refuse to be drawn into whatever dramas they are having and I know it had nothing to do with me.

As with all full moons the energies will ebb and flow, the intensity will lessen.  I guess it’s just a matter of riding the crest of the wave until the emotional rollercoaster passes.  I’ve donned my hard hat, taken a deep breath and found things to do to keep me out of the way of all of this drama that is trying to drag me in.

I took a few pics of the supermoon last night and over the past couple of days.

Last night…..

……..I performed my first ritual in a very long time.  This may seem unintersting and not that much of a big deal to most, but to me it marked the dawning of a new era.  It represented the fact that I have been able to move forward from that horrible place I have been dwelling for such a long time now.  As corny as it sounds, I really didn’t expect it to feel so…….wonderful, but it did.  I’m trying to find the right words for how I felt, but nothing is right, so I’m not going to try.  Those of you who have felt the beauty and magick of rituals and spell casting will know what I mean.

I have to say, I felt relaxed all evening, slept well – for a change – and was able to greet the new day (today) with enthusiasm.  Feeling so good and positive has meant that I was able to get creative for the first time in I don’t know how long and actually get some writing done.  I also was able to make sense of some very intriguing signs that have been presenting themselves to me for quite a while, only I had no idea what they were all about.
I feel as if I have just worked out how to get out of an intricate maze and have been greeted by a beautiful sunny day after wandering, lost, in the dark and gloomy overgrown hedges of the maze.  I don’t think everything about feeling so good can be contributed to performing a Beltane ritual, but I think it certainly helped me refocus my thoughts and stagnant mind.

I am happy to be walking back into the sunlight after months in the darkness.

Anger.

I have mentioned a few times that my family have been bereaved five times since December 2010.  One death is difficult enough to deal with, but five……..

I feel so angry with three of them for giving up on life and I know that this preventing me from moving onto the next stage in the grieving process.  I know I am trapped in this stage and I know that this is causing me the problems I am having with sleep and the obsession about who is going to die next.

I faced something similar when my son was born 15 years ago.  The year before – 1996 – I fell pregnant and we were over the moon.  But I lost the baby and encountered a pain I thought would engulf me whole.  Had I not had two daughters to care for I think I could very easily given in to the pain I felt.  A few months later I was pregnant again with my son, but I spent the entire pregnancy feeling terrified something would happen.  After he was born I suffered from Post Natal Depression.  One of the worst things I went through was not being able to put my son down.  I felt that if I put him down to sleep somewhere he would die, only I could save him by holding onto him all of the time.
After months of therapy and almost a year on anti depressants I discovered I was angry with my baby for dying and that I had held on to that anger so tightly that is engulfed me.  It was only when I learnt to let go of the anger that I was able to move forward and mourn my baby.

Anger is such a self destructive emotion if we don’t let go of it.  Anger can be a good thing if we use it to channel our emotions in a constructive manner, but if we don’t then we bottle up that anger and it eats away at us, making us miserable, making us ill, causing us problems.  We have to learn to let go of our anger and resentment, free ourselves of the negativity that these emotions fill us with, only then can we move forward with our lives.

Feeling the pain.

Today I picked another of the Daily OM emails at random and the message was about tuning in to our pain to listen for the message.  This really piqued my interest, given the amount of emotional pain I have experienced over the past 16 months and beyond.

I have to say here and now that five deaths in sixteen months have taken their toll on my emotional wellbeing.  I hate admitting that I am in need of help but I am so fed up of feeling the way I do that I have booked myself an appointment with my GP.  My problem is that I find it difficult to fall asleep, stay asleep, and get enough sleep.  Now, when I say this I mean that I cannot sleep on a night, falling asleep during the day isn’t so bad, I quite often get a decent sleep during the day.  This was all good and well when I was laid up in bed but it is not so good when I need to be up and about.  I started taking herbal tablets to help me sleep and they are working to a certain extent.  But they don’t keep me asleep all night, well not all of the time anyway.

The pain I am experiencing relates to death.  I have become obsessed with it.  I have panic attacks over it.  I am terrified to fall asleep because I don’t know who will have survived the night.  It’s pretty grim feeling this way and that is why I have booked an appointment to see my GP.  But I must stress I don’t want to numb everything with pills.  I am not sure what I hope to gain from an appointment with my GP, maybe I am in need of some counselling, who knows?

Anyway, this is what the message from the OM was about; our first instinct is to numb everything with medication.  It is telling us that we should listen to our bodies and minds and see if we can hear what message there is.  We don’t have to rush into dosing ourselves up with medication in order to heal our pain, although if we truly do need urgent medical attention we should go for it.
I know I hurt over the deaths of five loved ones, and I know I hurt a lot.  I know that the pain is eating away at me and this is because I cannot talk about it.  I cannot talk about it to anyone because I am so damn angry with my brother and my father for giving up – and I know that sounds stupidly selfish.  I know I need to let go of the anger that I am holding on to so tightly, I know it is the anger that is making me fearful and unable to sleep, but I just don’t know how to let go of that anger I have inside of me.

I have found my message and am acting upon it for the good of my health.

Daily OM

I have added a link to the Daily OM on the side of my blog.  The Daily OM is pretty cool, I get email updates/OM’s all of the time and never have nearly enough time to read them through.  I’m kind of hoping this will inspire me to read them more often and act upon the advice/info contained within each message/email.

I have each OM saved in a folder in my email account and I just picked one out at random.

The one I chose to read is discussing following nature’s cycles.  This is something I have now gotten into a big way.  When I first became incapacitated I was very frustrated at not being able to just do what I wanted/needed.  I soon discovered that most of the stuff I was hankering after doing was not really all that important, it was just stuff that I had began to fill my life with.  For the first few weeks I spent a lot of time sleeping, this did worry me as I thought it was due to the fibro.  Eventually I realised it was what my body needed for its own good.

The OM goes on to suggest we balance our lives with nature, making a few suggestions as to how we can do this.  I have already mentioned how I have learnt a great deal about myself whilst I was recuperating in bed.  That time I spent unable to do much has led me to a decision I made at the weekend – to learn Reiki.  Learning Reiki is just one of the many things I have adopted in my quest to live a more natural life.
When I say live a more natural life, I am not just talking about recycling and green living.  I am beginning to attune my whole being to the natural cycles around me, and I understand that can be quite a difficult undertaking, but I want to help my body be in balance with nature.  And as long winded as I have made that sound I am finding this quite an easy thing to do.

Pleased with myself.

I am extremely pleased with myself, in a ridiculous fashion.  I made some black salt – you know, the witchy/hoodoo type?  I just cleaned the fire out and though, “hmm, I should keep some of this.”  So I did and made black salt.  It is the first witchy thing I have physically done in what feels like forever.  Now I want to do a million things all at once, which is also pleasing as my interest is well and truly piqued once more.

Baby steps.

V is for……

……..Valkyrie.

My first encounter with these mythical beings was in an episode of Charmed.  Before that I had never heard of them and had no clue as to what they were.
A Valkyrie is a celestial lady of Norse mythology.  These ladies come to the battlefields to select the best warriors and bring them back to Valhalla, the great hall of the Upper World.  They have other names attributed to them, Odins’ Meyar – Odin’s Maidens, Oskmeyer, Odin’s Wishfillers and also Waive Maidens.
Odin was the God of War, poetry and wisdom and is one of the main Gods in Norse mythology.

The great warriors chosen by the Valkyrie were those who had died in battle.  They fought in the heavens as a form of training, after each battle their wounds would be tended to by the Valkyrie.  These warriors were therefore able to fight endlessly in preparation for the battle of Ragnarok, the final battle.  The Valkyrie were fierce warriors themselves and had the ability to regenerate too.
Some legends have a total of 36 Valkyrie, whereas others have only 13.  The 13 are:
Goll = Battle Cry
Geirolul = Spear Charger
Hrist = Shaker
Hildr = Battle
Hlokk = Battle Noise
Herfjotur  = Army Fetter
Mist = Cloud
Radgridr = Bossy
Randgridr = Shield Destroyer
Reginlefir = God’s Daughter
Skeggjold = Axe Age
Sigrdrifa = Inciter To Battle
Thrudr = Power Woman

Ostara Blessings.

Technically speaking, or should that be astrologically speaking? it was Ostara yesterday.  But I like to keep my Sabbats on fixed days because that is what works for me.  Ostara is a a time of balance.  A time to work on any area of our lives that need balance or rebalance.  A good time for spring cleaning, out with the old energy and in with the new, although I have been doing so much each week since Imbolc.

  Ostara Blessings