Unlearning.

My mental health is not great right now, the joys of PTSD and hyper vigilance! I’ve been taking each day as it comes and doing what I can to be gentle with myself. Sometimes it feels like I’m doing great, other days I feel like I can’t manage to hold the demons at bay.

I’m leaning into the divine feminine, the whispers of the goddess, letting the female ways bathe me in their gentle wisdom. I’m not going to lie, some days I feel so hurt inside I’m not sure how I’ve got through. The wounds are so deep and raw, masculine energies stinging already festering wounds of shame, guilt, heartbreak, fear, pain so deep it now feels like part of who I am……

There’s a void inside of me that I haven’t managed to fill, to nurture back to wholenesses. I don’t know how to. The pain and shame come and go, the void remains. There’s a hole inside of me where all of the bad shit falls into and makes its way to the broken parts of me.

There are days I look at my life and think, how have I managed to live for 34 years beyond the apocalypse? Then there are days that bring me so much joy, they light up my life and remind me why I didn’t give in.

I’m going through a process right now. I’m unlearning all of the bad stuff people have said to me that convinced me I wasn’t worthy, I wasn’t enough.

I’ll get there, I know I will. Those bad days will end. The feelings that try to destroy me will fade. I’ll find comfort and joy and peace again, I know I will.

It’s my birthday today!!!

Today is my 50th birthday. Before Covid I’d planned to go on a trip, have a few days away. Obviously lockdown has put those plans on hold.

Growing up I fell in love with the Star Wars movies. Return of the Jedi is my all time favourite movie.

May 4th has become known as Star Wars day – May the fourth be with you. So today I’m sharing my absolute favourite part of any movie, the updated ending to Return of the Jedi.

Have I ever mentioned that I wanted to be a Jedi when I grew up? That was my career dream, to be a Jedi knight. The clip has my childhood hero in it – Luke Skywalker. He was who I aspired to be like.

Happy Memories.

I’ve had a flood of memories come back to me recently, probably courtesy of the intensive therapy I had earlier in the year.

This year has been a rollercoaster for me emotionally, and so many emotional blocks have been removed from me; the jury is still out on whether or not that’s a good thing.

The amount of emotional stuff I’ve repressed for so many years is jaw dropping, I have no idea how I’ve kept it all inside of me.

On the flip side of the emotional mess that has been literally leaking out of me (tears) I’ve found solace in music and I’m happy to report so many happy memories have come flooding back to me.

This particular song that I wanted to share is one of many that remind me of a time when all was well in my world and my family was intact. Childhood memories and songs that remind us of simpler, happier times are always best shared.

I hope you enjoy this tune as much as I do.

https://youtu.be/cs4RG9u8IVU

https://music.apple.com/gb/album/nights-in-white-satin-single-edit/1440855599?i=1440856012

When the ancestors listen but you don’t realise.

I’ve never worked with my ancestors, ritually speaking. I had a problem recently that needed everything I could throw at it and someone suggested working my ancestors. But I didn’t really know how, everything just felt wrong, all of the methods I’d researched just didn’t feel right for me. I ended up throwing my arms in the air and just asking out loud for them to help. I had no way of knowing if they were listening, if they’d heard me, and so I went about life and forgot all about my petition to them.

Today I was talking to a friend about synchronicity and that was when the penny dropped. Recently I’ve had a certain song play repeatedly in my head, I’d also felt the need to listen to it quite a lot. But I’ve only just made the connection as to why today; the song is The Sound Of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel, and it always, always reminds me of my Dad.

Guess the ancestors were listening after all. 😀