Monday Musings – 04/11/2019.

I’ve spent the past few months trying to smile instead of frown, or glare. It hasn’t always worked, life sometimes just throws huge curveballs at us and it’s difficult to see the positive.

What I have noticed is that whenever I smile instead of feeling gloomy or angry, I feel more adept at dealing with whatever life has thrown at me.

Monday Musings – 28/10/2019.

I talk a lot about the intensive therapy that I had earlier in the year. This is because it had such a positive impact on my life and has allowed me to release so much negativity that was weighing me down. That included hiding my true self from the world.

I have found that I am so much happier, I’m at peace with myself, when I am being truly me. I won’t apologise for who I am, not anymore. I won’t hide away fearing what others may say; if they have an issue with my true self then that is their issue to deal with, not mine.

Always shine brightly.

Monday Musings – 21/10/2019.

I’ve known many fake people in my life and it is sad to think that they have felt they have to make a persona up in order to be liked.

It’s also sad that some people do not like us because we are being our genuine selves. It’s easy to blame the advent of social media on this, but people being fake is nothing new.

I like the quotes that encourage us to be ourselves, telling us that the world needs our uniqueness. Such quotes inspire me to keep on being myself. I often have to remind myself that not everyone is going to like me and that is ok, that’s just how life is.

Keep on being yourself. The world needs your uniqueness.

Happy Memories.

I’ve had a flood of memories come back to me recently, probably courtesy of the intensive therapy I had earlier in the year.

This year has been a rollercoaster for me emotionally, and so many emotional blocks have been removed from me; the jury is still out on whether or not that’s a good thing.

The amount of emotional stuff I’ve repressed for so many years is jaw dropping, I have no idea how I’ve kept it all inside of me.

On the flip side of the emotional mess that has been literally leaking out of me (tears) I’ve found solace in music and I’m happy to report so many happy memories have come flooding back to me.

This particular song that I wanted to share is one of many that remind me of a time when all was well in my world and my family was intact. Childhood memories and songs that remind us of simpler, happier times are always best shared.

I hope you enjoy this tune as much as I do.

https://youtu.be/cs4RG9u8IVU

https://music.apple.com/gb/album/nights-in-white-satin-single-edit/1440855599?i=1440856012

Daily Om by Madisyn Taylor.

Allowing Your Soul to Shine

At times, we’ve all wanted to crawl under a rock and hide away from the world. We may have preferred to be invisible rather than let other people see us or notice that we exist. This desire not to be seen often happens when we are feeling very hurt, angry, or simply weary of the world. And while we may console ourselves with the defense that we are shy, an introvert, or a loner, we may actually be hiding. 

When we hide and make believe that we are invisible, we can think that no one sees us even though, truthfully, we are only really hiding from ourselves. And while we may try to live life as inconspicuously as possible, we only succeed in becoming more conspicuous because people can’t help but notice that we are trying to hide our light. None of us are meant to hide; each one of us radiates a unique brilliance that is meant to illuminate the world. When we try to dim our light, we diminish the natural radiance of the Universe, and we deprive the people around us of the unique gifts and talents that we are here to share. 

Stepping out of the wings and letting your light shine is actually a way to serve the planet. We each have a responsibility to contribute to our community, and we do this when we let ourselves be seen. It doesn’t do anyone any good when we try to hide. We are all beings of light and we are here to light the way for each other. When we let ourselves shine, we become a bright mirror that others can see their own reflected brilliance through, and they can’t help but want to shine also. Shine your light out into the world, bless those around you by sharing your gifts, and watch the universe glow.

Defences shattered.

I have lived my life, post attack, in a very defensive mode. My emotions were locked tightly away. I’ve been referred to as cold, this was my choice to be seen this way, I had to be in control of every aspect of my life and I certainly couldn’t afford my emotions to get in the way.

It is very common for a survivor of rape or abuse to need this level of control. The attack that happened left me feeling like he controlled my life. During the months that followed me being attacked I constantly listened to an album by Tears For Fears. The album is The Hurting.

The image of the child, so clearly hurt and in pain, resonated so deeply with me at the time. For all I thought of myself as an adult I was technically still a child when attacked.

One of the songs that really spoke to me at this time, and still evokes those feelings I experienced at the time, is a song from this album called Watch Me Bleed.

Watch Me Bleed

Tears for Fears

Heaven comes to he who waits

But I know I’m getting nowhere

And all the deeds of yesterday

Have really helped to pave my way

Though there’s no one near me now

How come everyone can touch me

You see the torture on my brow

Relates to neither here nor now

Watch me bleed

Bleed forever

Watch me bleed

Bleed forever

Although my face is straight, it lies

My body feels the pain and cries

Here the table is not bare

I am full but feeling empty

For all the warmth it feels so cold

For one so young I feel so old

Watch me bleed

Bleed forever

Watch me bleed

Bleed forever

It’s not allowed to be unkind

But still the hate lives in my mind

I’ll make no noise

I’ll hide my pain

I’ll close my eyes

I won’t complain

I’ll lie right back and take the blame

And try to tell myself I’m living

(And when it’s all been said or done)

Where do I go?

Where do I run?

(What’s left of me or anyone)

When we’ve denied the hurting? Oh oh oh oh

Where do I go?

Where do I run?

(What’s left of me or anyone)

When we’ve denied the hurting? Oh oh oh oh

Watch me bleed

Bleed forever

Watch me bleed

Bleed forever

And all the deeds of yesterday

Have really helped to pave my way

Watch me bleed

Bleed forever

Watch me bleed

Bleed forever

And all the deeds of yesterday

Have really helped to pave my way

Songwriters: Roland Orzabal

Watch Me Bleed lyrics © BMG Rights Management

I shared this with a friend once, she said it explained so much about me. With all that had happened, the state of mind I was left in, the emotional pain that I cannot describe because it is a feeling, it was no surprise that I built impenetrable walls around myself. My first boyfriend after the attack was shocked at how broken I was and he admitted he couldn’t breach the walls I had erected.

When I met my Mr. Wonderful I had just broken up with J. Mr. Wonderful was made aware of what had happened to me and I explained to him I never wanted to have an intimate relationship. He understood where I was coming from, a place of pain so great that I would probably never trust a man ever again.

Yet his friendship brought me back to life. His friendship healed me and I started to trust him. The wall was breached enough to let him in. But the rest of the wall remained in place with regards to anyone else new in my life.

Over the years it feels like every now and then a brick will be removed from my wall, but the wall was still fairly solid. The tight control I had on my emotions and not letting anyone in was still fairly intact. And so it was until I shared the deepest part of myself with some people. I felt a strange sense of relief sharing my feelings with regards to how this one incident shaped my life.

I believed the wall was still intact, right up until the PTSD episode struck. That brutal experience last month has demolished every defence I had carefully crafted to protect my shattered innocence. During this time there was also a betrayal. That hurt as much as the trauma being replayed every day in my head.

And so it was a shock to find I had no defences left when it came to doing an exercise of self discovery yesterday evening. The question was to journal about a wounding to your woman-self. Obviously there was the attack, but letting the words flow I wrote about how other women had wounded me by their actions. As I journaled, the tears flowed so freely, I couldn’t stop them. Normally I’d take a breath, pause what I was doing and regain control over my emotions.

But I just couldn’t this time.

My defences are well and truly shattered.

I’m afraid of where this discovery of self will take me. But I’m also excited to greet the new me.