To hear my story you would think I’d never actually healed my wounds. I have been healed, maybe not wholly, maybe that’s part of the problem, or maybe this kind of wound heals akin to a broken bone; the wound knits together but there’ll always be a niggle there.
I’m reading a book at the moment that is an accompaniment to my self discovery journey and in it the author says “we have to go within and address the soundings that live inside”. Going within over the last few weeks I have realised that time and feeling safe will help me heal the massive wound. But the wounds I didn’t realise I carried inside of me, the wounds inflicted upon me by other women, well, I have absolutely no idea how to heal these wounds.
Today I’ve made lists, if you know me you know I love my lists. Lists of the people responsible for the wounds and the affliction that caused each wound. I’ve listed how I felt at the time and how I feel now. It’s helped somewhat because I’ve identified hurt I hadn’t realised I was carrying around with me.
My lists and the book have helped me to realise that I’ve skirted around each wound that these women have caused me, making excuses for their behaviour, not acknowledging that they have well and truly screwed me over.
Going inside has allowed me to face these wounds, and yeah, they’re pretty scary to deal with – it’s all a huge mess that really could do with cleaning up – it’s allowed me to see that I am not the braveheart people call me. A braveheart would’ve faced these wounds and dealt with the messy business of the pain and the suffering and the raw emotions that are part and parcel of self discovery.
Delving deep into my inner core is exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. It’s a journey I’m thoroughly enjoying.
One of the things I have found whilst recovering from a PTSD episode is to make sure self love and self care are high on my agenda.
I have candles lit, incense burning, herbal tea to drink and I’m reading a book. Life in this very moment feels peaceful.
Not a lot of people know this, I’ve been referred to a neurologist as I have some concerning symptoms that need investigating. There is a concern that I MAY have MS. My appointment is tomorrow.
I’ve been very unwell with these symptoms for quite some time, hence the lack of holiday snaps, I was ill on holiday too. We went away despite me being ill because how my health is right now could be the new reality for me every day.
Drawing this card today feels very significant to me. Self care for anyone is a must. Self care for chronic illness warriors is essential as we need to check in with our body’s regularly to make sure we aren’t over doing it.
Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see.
It is just a tiny spark that whispers ever so softly
“You’ve got this, keep going.."
Saw this on another blog (Purplerays) and thought it was perfect for a Monday Musing.
Last year I started a business that had many different facets to it. I intended to share things on this blog, but as I soon found out the confidentiality of my clients was more important.
In between running the business and living life I was thrown more curve balls than I’ve ever had thrown. From the end of spring until just before Xmas I had one health scare after another. I don’t really want to dwell too much on the head fuckery that was December – lots of sleepless nights full of worry and other dramas from a family point of view – not close family I hasten to add.
Yesterday I got a message from someone who was concerned about me and it really made me realise the way I had reacted late last year was definitely not how people knew me to be.
But that’s exactly how I am, I don’t share my problems outside of my very tight knit circle. Even people who I’ve known for a very long time only get to know what I choose to share. It might sound selfish but I’ve been kicked in the teeth by people I thought I could trust, so as the saying goes “once bitten, twice as shy”.
Trust is the real biggy for me. If it’s breached then I’ll never let that person back in, ever. I’ve been dealt too many blows to keep allowing people to hurt me, so I just find it easier to build walls.
But I digress, what I was saying was how I’ve gotten out of the habit of blogging. Life always reminds us that we can only do so much, reminding us that we aren’t superhuman and can only achieve so much in any one day. So as I lie here in bed (it’s almost midnight) with my head full of cotton wool (I have a flu like virus, my body’s way of reminding me that I need to slow down) I’ve decided that I really need to up my soul love game.
I keep seeing people talking about dedicating a chunk of time to some self love and care, one or two even choosing February to do that. February makes sense for me too, the theme of the month is generally love and I feel it’s the perfect opportunity to indulge my self and let all of the hurt and disappointment of the past few months go.
Today because of my lurgy I’ve spent the day in bed. I’ve face timed with both of my daughters and granddaughter, I’ve watched Hawaii Five O and Home and Away (we had nearly 20 episodes of that soap) with my Mr. Wonderful – he’s also got the lurgy, we got it off our son. I’ve also indulged in my obsession on YouTube – Dr. Pimple Popper and Je Lin. Yeah, I know, it’s gross, but omg I just love watching those videos. They allow me to think of absolutely nothing, kinda like a brain dump, and just let all the stresses and strains empty out of me.
There probably won’t be any structure to my love in with myself, I get all aargh if there’s too much structure and rules etc. And besides, self love and care should be all about what helps me unwind and soothe my soul.
I’d like to say I’ll post on here about what I do, but again, that will just stress me out and that defeats the purpose of my love in. So, if I post I post, if I don’t I don’t. Que sera sera.
Happy February ❤️
As children we dance as often as we can. As we get older, into our teen years and early adulthood, we also dance as often as we can.
The older we get, the more responsibility we seem to amass and dancing often becomes something we only do at parties, or on a night out because life gets busy.
Recently, I was on a month long training course and we were encouraged to make dancing part of our day once more. The very first day I did this I felt stiff and strange. But then each day afterwards I found I was enjoying the activity and it certainly was helping to put a smile on my face and a spring in my step.
The suggestion was to dance for the length of one song. The song should really be something uplifting. Of course, there is no right or wrong way to do this, it’s all about what works best for you.
Another course I recently did encouraged us to dance and listen to 3 songs, just random songs that appear on a playlist you have somewhere. This works especially well when you have an issue and need guidance to get unstuck, you use the time to move and listen to the lyrics as a way to releasing stuck energies and to help you find an answer to something you need help with – I also read this in a book so I’m really taking it on board 😁
You don’t have to be fit and heathy to dance. This type of dancing is for your own personal satisfaction and well being, it’s more about uplifting your mood than keeping fit, so, if you have reduced mobility, are confined to a wheelchair, or just not very fit, it doesn’t matter at all. You can do this sitting down, laying down, or you can throw your whole body into it. The important thing is to enjoy it for what it is; an exercise in soul loving, spiritual wellbeing.