Monday Musings – 04/11/2019.

I’ve spent the past few months trying to smile instead of frown, or glare. It hasn’t always worked, life sometimes just throws huge curveballs at us and it’s difficult to see the positive.

What I have noticed is that whenever I smile instead of feeling gloomy or angry, I feel more adept at dealing with whatever life has thrown at me.

Monday Musings – 28/10/2019.

I talk a lot about the intensive therapy that I had earlier in the year. This is because it had such a positive impact on my life and has allowed me to release so much negativity that was weighing me down. That included hiding my true self from the world.

I have found that I am so much happier, I’m at peace with myself, when I am being truly me. I won’t apologise for who I am, not anymore. I won’t hide away fearing what others may say; if they have an issue with my true self then that is their issue to deal with, not mine.

Always shine brightly.

Monday Musings – 21/10/2019.

I’ve known many fake people in my life and it is sad to think that they have felt they have to make a persona up in order to be liked.

It’s also sad that some people do not like us because we are being our genuine selves. It’s easy to blame the advent of social media on this, but people being fake is nothing new.

I like the quotes that encourage us to be ourselves, telling us that the world needs our uniqueness. Such quotes inspire me to keep on being myself. I often have to remind myself that not everyone is going to like me and that is ok, that’s just how life is.

Keep on being yourself. The world needs your uniqueness.

A lesson I needed to learn.

Sometimes life will trip you up and you’ll feel all the feels. Sometimes people will lie about you and convince others that their story is the truth.

Words used in such a way to wound and hurt, to destroy. False stories created to cover the truth.

But I’m not responsible for these lies told about me. I’m responsible for me and my behaviour.

I try as hard as I can to be honourable and decent. Often I will fall short. What I will never do is lie about a person just to be popular.

Sometimes the breaking away feels like you’ve cut a limb off, but the lies that were festering in the undercurrent made it impossible.

I am responsible for my words and actions.

Going inside.

To hear my story you would think I’d never actually healed my wounds. I have been healed, maybe not wholly, maybe that’s part of the problem, or maybe this kind of wound heals akin to a broken bone; the wound knits together but there’ll always be a niggle there.

I’m reading a book at the moment that is an accompaniment to my self discovery journey and in it the author says “we have to go within and address the soundings that live inside”. Going within over the last few weeks I have realised that time and feeling safe will help me heal the massive wound. But the wounds I didn’t realise I carried inside of me, the wounds inflicted upon me by other women, well, I have absolutely no idea how to heal these wounds.

Today I’ve made lists, if you know me you know I love my lists. Lists of the people responsible for the wounds and the affliction that caused each wound. I’ve listed how I felt at the time and how I feel now. It’s helped somewhat because I’ve identified hurt I hadn’t realised I was carrying around with me.

My lists and the book have helped me to realise that I’ve skirted around each wound that these women have caused me, making excuses for their behaviour, not acknowledging that they have well and truly screwed me over.

Going inside has allowed me to face these wounds, and yeah, they’re pretty scary to deal with – it’s all a huge mess that really could do with cleaning up – it’s allowed me to see that I am not the braveheart people call me. A braveheart would’ve faced these wounds and dealt with the messy business of the pain and the suffering and the raw emotions that are part and parcel of self discovery.

Delving deep into my inner core is exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. It’s a journey I’m thoroughly enjoying.

Self discovery.

August was a brutal month for me. It began with an appointment for an MRI scan on August 1st. Only that didn’t happen because the scan was to be of my head and so the equipment had to be really close to my face. Cue the mother fucker of all flashbacks and a massive panic attack.

The staff were excellent with me and fetched my husband. As soon as I saw him I fell apart. The tears flowed and the painful memories scorched my mind, descending me into a pit of fear and paranoia.

The dreaded day is of course in August. August 23rd. August 23rd 1987. So long ago, yet it could have been yesterday, the pain is still just as raw. All things considered the day passed without incidence, but I’d had a torrid time up until that day. Some of my actions during this time have been questionable, but I won’t go into that right now.

Towards the latter part of August the healing finally began. I guess I had to go through all of the pain and suffering once again, there was no other way around it. The healing felt blissful, it still does. Finding joy in simple pleasures. Not taxing my brain with difficult tasks or problems, but being gentle with myself.

I’ve fought the urge to do too much, there have been times when I’ve been asked something and I haven’t been able to get into whatever it is, the magnitude of the situation not being too grand but my ability to deal with it in the here and now certainly reduced.

During August I also started a journey of self-discovery. For me it is a very personal journey, so no, I’m not going to go into too much detail. I will say it’s a path I stumbled upon around 2015 and it involves the divine feminine.

There have been subtle nudges in my life that have made themselves known to me and I have been putting off committing to this journey. But then the PTSD episode struck and was pretty relentless for a while, and I eventually succumbed to trauma that was resurfacing and allowed myself to feel the pain and suffering that 16 year old me felt. And then I just felt ok again. As quickly as it had returned it left me alone again.

I feel tender-hearted at the moment, emotionally unstable, but nevertheless whole. I can’t spend too much time on social media because there is so much suffering being shared. Right now it hurts too much to even look at the words and images that are shared there. So I have limited my use to responding to my kids and one or two other people who have held my hand throughout this reoccurrence.

My self-discovery journey feels like the right tool for me to get back on track with my life. I feel like I have come out of the other side of a particularly nasty PTSD episode. I feel battered and bruised, but I am surviving and that is what I take on this new journey with me.