Today I realised that….

….it’s ok for me to be happy.

That took a huge chunk of time to realise, but I no longer feel guilty for being happy. It’s ok. It’s allowed.

Wow!

Recovering from trauma and PTSD episodes is really hard, but once I let go of how I thought I should feel and just allowed myself to be……that’s when the miracles started to happen. The miracles of happiness and feeling that happiness right to my core. The miracle that I actually love who I am, and that’s how it should be. The miracle that allows me to trust people who aren’t my family.

Wow!

Be happy, start living.

Thursday’s Thought. 03/08/20.

I’ve been doing a lot of inner work during this pandemic. In fact, I dedicated this whole year to loving myself.

Love for yourself is not about being conceited, or about “bigging” yourself up whilst putting others down. It’s about learning how to love you. Learning how to respect yourself. Learning how to have self love and bolster your self esteem.

I’ve learnt a lot about myself these past few months, it’s not about apportioning blame to aspects of myself I didn’t like; it’s been about acknowledging aspects that I’m less than happy with and improving what needing working on.

I’m now in a better mindset. I choose to be positive. I set that intention for myself everyday. Sometimes the demons rear their ugly heads and it’s a real struggle, other days I breeze through the day, achieving what I need to get done.

I had an interesting conversation with someone I know a few days back. She has noticed the change in me and wanted to know if I had “got better.” She was referring to my relapse with PTSD over the last couple of years.

I honestly haven’t done anything other than get medication. I believe the medication stabilised my mood enough for me to take steps to work through the flashbacks and triggers. I’m not really having flashbacks, but I am feeling very anxious.

This pandemic has really messed with my head in so much as it has made the hyper vigilance really bad. Night time is the worst. Some nights I’m a nervous wreck, jumping and hyperventilating at the slightest noise. My sleep has been really badly affected too, I’m convinced “that person” is in my house, obviously I know he’s not.

Medication has helped me to work through stuff. It’s helped me to manage my condition using the tools and techniques my therapist taught me.

I’m not “cured” from my PTSD. I am managing it. I get frustrated at people who claim they can cure PTSD. My therapist taught me that you don’t cure it, you manage it. You can heal the wounds (often emotional) that trauma inflicted upon you, but the scars will still be there. The scars will “itch and sting” from time to time, that’s the flare up of the PTSD. And just like you would with a physical scar, you soothe it the best way you can.

This pandemic has affected so many people in so many different ways. There’s no shame in hollering for help. That’s why I made a conscious decision to greet each day with as positive a mindset as possible. It’s helped me tackle a hell of a lot of blocks and for that I’m grateful.

PTSD is a mental illness and can be very debilitating. You can be going through an active episode and still appear as though you’ve got your shit together. That, for me, signifies an improvement in my journey and that’s what I’ve been striving for over so many years.

Thankful Thursday 14/06/12

Today I am thankful that my life is drama free.  I have been ill with food poisoning and you know how it is, you get sick and the chores mount up and life just gets so out of control.  I am just thankful that I have been able to get everything back into shape without having to deal with all the dramas that usually crop up too.

Thankful Thursday – 07/06/12

Today sees me feeling both thankful and sad at the same time, over the same thing.  I am always thankful that I chose to remove DD2 from school for her final year as the bullying she was being subjected to had gotten to a stage where she was being physically hurt on a regular basis and the school refused to take appropriate action.  I  remain thankful that I decided against sending DS to secondary school for the same reasons I removed DD2 – I had lost all faith in the school system.
I have just been looking at my friend’s daughter’s pictures from her last day of school (they only go in for exams now in year 11) and her prom night and it saddens me that DD2 never got that experience.  I have seen a few pics over the last few years of prom night and last day of school and to be fair the majority of those happy souls are the popular kids.

I don’t want to sound like I am kid bashing here, but mostly these experiences are savoured by the skinny girls, the ones who love the hair, make-up and fashion.  Those girls who are so pretty and popular that bullies just seem to pass them by.  In fact a huge chunk of this group are bullies – some things never change.  When I was at school this was the case, when DD1 was in school (and she went all the way from reception class to sixth form) this was the case, DD2 never fit in as she wears glasses, isn’t skinny and has dyspraxia and it still goes on like that now.
DD2 never felt like she missed out on the whole prom, last day thing as she was so traumatised by those girls and boys in her year group that all she wanted to do was move on from them.  But that makes me feel a little sad that something we now class as a rite of passage was never experienced by my daughter because she had to be removed from school for her own safety.
I then begin to hear tales of a small fortune being spent on prom dresses and accessories and shoes and make-up and hair dos, not to mention the demand for a new outfit – and shoes and accessories and hair and make-up – for the last day of school and I feel thankful that I haven’t had this pressure.  DD1’s year group were the first to do the whole not wearing uniform on the last day at the school she attended, so they were told to wear something smart.  In five years it seems to have gone from wearing something smart to a no expense spared in the outfit stakes.
DD1 didn’t want to go to her prom, she said all of the “plastics” were being ridiculous over it and that was putting her off.  A plastic is a girl so obsessed with hair, make-up, her appearance, that her whole life revolves around it.
So I have never been a stressed out mother doing the hair-tearing over prom night.  I have never felt the need to buy my kids anything so expensive that it takes me months to pay back the money I would have had to borrow.  Smartly dressed doesn’t mean a fortune on new clothes and everything that goes with that.

Yep, I am most definitely thankful today that I am not going through that kind of pressure.

Thankful Thursday 31/05/12

Today I am thankful that my daughter has woken up to a situation in her life and is doing something pro-active about it.  For too long this person has made a fool out of her and now she has finally woken up to what has been going on.  As a parent it is difficult to stand by and watch your child make a mistake, but I think I have done a pretty good job of keeping my beak out of it and now I am thankful she has come to the realisation of how things are all by herself.

I am also thankful that I went on the Reiki 1 course, this has given me so much over the past couple of weeks I am wondering how I ever managed without Reiki.