Life Through My Lens.

What an awful day it was yesterday for me.  My husband and I have been having some difficulties relationship wise for some time now, they had calmed down but yesterday they just flared right up.  Of course the first thing to go out of the window was my witchy-a-day thing.  I couldn’t think straight and the last thing on my mind was anything like that.

Finally, the tension subsided and I decided to meditate.

Meditation is something I came to do very late on in my witchy life.  I was aware of it, but it was something I thought I couldn’t do – just like the visualisation 😉
About 2 or 3 years ago I was working on something and meditation was a huge part of this work.  In the beginning I tried to get away with not doing it, but it soon became impossible and I ended up giving it a go.  I surprised myself with just how easy it was.  Now don’t get me wrong, I do not go in for long and complicated meditations; firstly a lack of privacy means I am unable, for now, to play them back and just go along with them.  Secondly, I have a habit of falling asleep if they are too long; this was an issue I had right at the beginning but I was advised to sit up and meditate rather than lie down and I would be less likely to fall asleep!
I have to admit that this actually does work, but if a meditation is really long I often do find myself drifting off, even sitting up.

Before I got sick I used to go to yoga with my friend and we had a blast!  Towards the end of each yoga session we did some meditation, but usually I couldn’t concentrate on what was supposed to be happening and would drift off and have very strange experiences, nothing remotely related to the meditation.  This was why I thought I couldn’t meditate at all, but obviously I was wrong.

A technique that I use when I just want to calm my mind and maybe gain some clarity is to sit comfortably, usually on my bed.  Then when I have stilled my mind I picture myself standing up, walking towards the bedroom door and then down the stairs.  Then I see myself going outside into my garden, sitting down on a bench and relaxing.  I imagine I can hear the birds singing and a gentle breeze rustling in the trees.
Sometimes this is enough to clam me down, I maybe spend around 5-10 minutes doing this before bringing myself back inside, back up the stairs and back into the bedroom.
But sometimes I need an answer to a puzzling question and other forms of divination have not revealed anything.  This is when I use the above technique, plus I imagine an older version of myself comes to sit beside me and we chat about problems; or I have other techniques where I go down my street to the field at the top end and once in the field I walk a shirt distance before a mist descends on me.  Once the mist clears I am some place else – I usually have decided beforehand just where I am going to visualise myself being once the mist has cleared.  Once the mist has cleared I have a few techniques, such as choosing a path to go down to discover an answer, or meeting a person who then gives me advice, or being led to a pool of water where I get clear images of what I need to know.

I much prefer to imagine myself in my back garden, or in the field near my house because these places are very familiar to me and I have no trouble at all recalling them.  Sometimes, even when it is a guided meditation, I find it difficult to picture everything in my mind and that is why I tend to use these methods.

I think anyone who has difficulty with meditations should develop their own technique using familiar surroundings.

I’ve previously done posts about renewing my spirit and discussed how important it is for me.  At this time I am flying blind in this practice because there has been so much going on in my life, and there have been times where I have been unable to just kick back and partake in activities I had planned for this day.
I have tried to keep Sunday as a me day, but life always throws something my way and I end up making myself ill with stress and too much action – I have a chronic illness and too much of this just floors me.  So Sunday’s in recent months have been more about catching up on lesson plans, or chasing about after people, things like that.

When I decided to do this 366 days of witchery I didn’t have time to make plans for my spirit renewal day, and that is why I am just letting it happen.  Perhaps this is a good thing, if I don’t really have plans then they won’t be broken – notice the hint of sarcasm here!

It’s been a hectic week here for me, things I have had to do for others and then a lost day on Friday because I have some problem with my neck – most likely to do with the arthritis.  I spent most of the day lying down because standing or sitting made me really dizzy.  It was night time before I was able to sit for any length of time without feeling I was going to keel over.
One thing I have found during my enforced bed rest is how much sifting through my thoughts, problems and so on I actually get done.  This may actually be a blessing in disguise, me being ill gives me time to reflect and sort and solve stuff I never seem to have five minutes for otherwise.  Usually this sort of thing would be done on a Sunday when I am renewing my spirit, but with that having been on hold recently I haven’t had anywhere near the contemplation time I sorely needed.

During the enforced inactivity on Friday I discovered that when I have periods of stress and many problems coming my way I drop the whole spiritual side of things (that bit I knew already) and don’t get round to sorting and sifting and solving on a Sunday like I would normally do.  This in turn has led to a worsening of current issues which has distanced me even further from what I want to be doing.
Therefore it is vital that I have this day – even if I can only manage a few hours – to take time out to see where I am at with issues and so on.  I also realised that during the times I was able to have the renewing my spirit day I was a lot less ill with fibro than when I have everything piling on top of me.  It is vital then that I have some time, not just to solve issues and problems but to rest and recuperate for my own sake.

Renewing my spirit day is good for me.

You cannot really go about this type of thing without getting caught up by deity.  When I was at school we did a lot of study into Greek mythology and for a long time I really identified with deity from this region.  When I had started settling into witchcraft and its studies I began looking into the Roman pantheon and then the Celtic pantheon, but somehow nothing ever feels right.

I have spent some time recently thinking about who and what we, as humans, would have worshipped/believed in before Christianity.  Where I am from (Cumbria) we would have been part of the Carvetti tribe and they would have worshipped Celtic deity.  I am still finding it hard to identify with this – even to this day – and I came to the conclusion some time ago that Goddess and God worship isn’t all that important.

Strangely enough I do believe in the whole concept of the Lady and Lord, but who they are is really something I haven’t identified with.  When I think in terms of a God I think of Pan, the horned God, or even the Green Man.  As for an archetypical Lady, I can only ever imagine a figure such as Venus/Aphrodite.  But then I muddy the waters even more by not being able to identify them as my deity and find myself thinking more in terms of the Fates.

Very contradictory, I know.

Believing in the Fates feels more natural to me, and yes they are from Greek mythology, but legend has it that they predate any deity we know of, so this makes me think that whatever path we choose to follow some kind of fate weavers are out there helping us shape our destiny.

As for the Gods and Goddesses of each culture; I believe that there are the set ones that each culture have, no more, no less and that just as the Goddess of Love in the Roman world was Venus, with the Greeks calling their Goddess of Love Aphrodite, I believe she is one and the same just with a different name.
I believe that each culture has their own version, but these deities are, for want of a better word, the same beings, only with different names.

I’m not sure why I can’t really take to a certain Goddess and God, perhaps being brought up a Christian and being forced to go to church and Sunday school has really given me the heebie jeebies when it comes to worship.  Worship makes me feel like a church goer, like something all good folks do if they know what’s good for them.
I guess these feelings stem from Christian guilt and my sadness at how the mainstream religions fight amongst themselves over whose way is the right way.  This is one of the reasons I have never told my mother about practicing witchcraft.  She would not understand why and would probably dismiss it all as some rebellious phase that I will eventually grow out of.  Perhaps this is why I feel uncomfortable about worship, it feels too much like going to church and maybe I just will always be the rebel.

As I have already said the aim of this 366 day gig is intended to get my witchy juices flowing good and proper again.  So far I am pondering the basics, or what I consider to be the basics, anyway.  Today I am pondering spells.

Yes I cast spells.

 As already said you gotta be participating in the craft to call yourself a witch.  I have been casting since I was 14.  I did stop for a little while in my late teens up until my early 20’s, but ever since then I have cast some sort of spell pretty much on a daily basis.  When put like that it sounds quite astonishing, but it is just something that witches do and I most certainly haven’t thought about it like that before.

In the early days I pretty much read, word for word, from books and when working within groups I followed the instructions I was given there.  As I grew more confident with my witchy self I began changing things, so a spell read in book would have been altered to suit my own needs.  Eventually I stopped using spell books that other people had written and started writing my own.
A few years back when I first started blogging I did share one or two of my own spells, but I got so paranoid that other people would pass them off as their own I eventually removed them.  Nowadays I don’t post my own spellwork on the internet.  This isn’t because I think everyone is out to get me and rip me off, it is because I have considered writing some time in the future when I am not home edding and if these spells are already out there, they could be adapted and used by another budding witchy author, costing me some success.

My DD’s are really into the whole witch thing nowadays and have often asked me to write spells for them.  But I am a big believer in spells and the like having the personal touch – it isn’t vital, but you know yourself better than anyone else so it figures that you know what is best to say/write in a spell.  As cliched and tacky as it may sound, the best way to start if you are unsure is to keep it like a poem, short, sweet and rhyming.
Of course that last statement is bound to have people groaning and cringing, but you are trying to create something you can work with and something you are going to be able to remember, not a huge OTT 3 page short story!  By adopting a simple format you can put your needs into the spell and still manage to keep it short.

As with everything else, practice makes perfect!

When I first starting practicing I could not visualise at all.  Everything I was told to do was all fairly easy and straightforward, but visualisation was just something I could not get the hang of.  I tried various techniques, but nothing worked for me.  For a long time I gave up on visualisation and tried to avoid any spellwork that required it.  I have always had vivid dreams, and as a child I used to be able to astral travel.  I could even see things really clearly whenever I listened to the radio or talked to people on the phone; you know, I could picture what they were telling me in great detail.  But for some reason I could not visualise at all.

But me being me, I grew tired of feeling like half a witch, I mean, what kind of witch can’t even visualise?  Well, me actually.  That was until one day it just clicked.  I don’t know why, or how, it just happened.  I remember reading something and thinking I might like to try it and without even thinking about it I got an image as clear as day in my mind.
I was over the moon, I can tell you.  Back in those days I was very much practicing in secret because my kids were a lot younger and my husband didn’t want me practicing in front of them, so working with my mind was something I really needed to be doing.

I have to say that since that day I have never looked back.  99% of my spells are worked this way now; some call it lazy, but I don’t think there is anything remotely lazy about it.  It can be as simple or as elaborate as you want it to be, but whichever way it is done it utilises energy, and energy is what is manipulated when a spell is being worked.
Sure, you can use any paraphernalia you like, but at the end of the day it is your will and intent that create the spell, not the candles etc.  Not so lazy, huh?
You know, people often say that they cannot cast certain spells because the timing isn’t right, or they don’t have the right tools at that particular moment.  But if your need is great, or you are like me and you just like doing things your own way then getting on down and doing it with some good old fashioned visualisation is going to get things moving for you.

If you cannot manage to visualise then you should relax, it will eventually come good for you.

Belief and choice are big parts of witchcraft.  I have been considering them over the past couple of days.  They seem mundane when you consider the craft and what it is all about.  They are very relevant nonetheless.

Today I am thinking about practice.  What it is that I do, if not everyday then most days.  You see, I believe that to be a witch one has to practice the craft of a witch; whether that be divination, spellcasting, herb craft, the use of oils and potions.  You cannot just say you are a witch but then do nothing witchy.  That is my belief and I am sticking to it.

Also, as a practicing witch you have to take responsibility for what you do.  If someone wrongs you and you throw a little something back their way, then you have to face up to that.  I do not adhere to the Wiccan Rede as I am not a Wiccan.  However, I do think long and hard about what I do and what impact it is going to have on people.  I think about what I could do from a non magickal point of view and I twist and turn the problem over and over until I find the right solution for it.
If someone has a falling out with a friend, say because I have sent something their way because they have zapped me, then I accept that it is likely I am responsible for that.  You see, I believe in taking responsibility for my own actions and choices.

I do not and would not ever just send out a load of zizzy energy to a person indiscriminately.  I am quite a peaceful person believe it or not.  But I hate it when I get attacked – and boy can I tell whenever I have been – and I just want to settle the issue.

Proper, full on practice is a big part of my life, but it doesn’t have to be complicated or elaborate.  It can be as  simple as blessing the new moon, or honouring the full moon.  Or making wishes at the new moon, or doing something ritualistic when the moon is full.  It is whatever is in your heart and feels right for you.

In the past I have many an argument with so-called witches because I have not done things the way they do.  In the end a lot of bad blood remained and we no longer speak, mainly because I would not back down over my beliefs and go with what they think is the right way.  You know what?  It doesn’t even matter.  It is what is right for you, and what is right for me is not necessarily right for someone else, but I don’t make a big song and dance about these things.  Personally I don’t really care if another witch wears a robe, or dances under the moonlight naked.  I don’t care what she gets up to as long as she is – or he – is true to herself.

At the end of the day that is what it is all about, practising what is in your heart.

366 days of witchery is solely for me to refocus my spiritual nature after what has been a really tough year.  Some would say that I shouldn’t have to keep on recommiting myself to my craft and perhaps there would be some truth in that.  I may have even wondered this about other people in the past, but then I went through this awful time and have never experienced anything as bad as this.

I get told all of the time how wonderfully I am coping, I guess it’s true.  But inside I am so very hollow, I can’t even begin to describe it without it sounding trite.  There is just this huge emptiness now, a void, and when I think about them both it has an ache to it.  Again, I’m not being able to express myself adequately enough.

366 days of witchery is my tool for me alone, it is not a tried and tested method or programme of study, it is just me.  I want to be that witch that I once was, the one who always knew what to do in times of crisis, the witch who knew exactly what was needed on a magickal level.  It isn’t that I no longer know these things, it’s the fact that I question the very essence of what I have always believed in.  I could easily walk away from all that is witchy, but that would mean walking away from everything that I have been for a very long time.
It’s about finding the beauty of being a witch again.  It’s about rediscovering what I love most and knowing that even when life is really tough my spiritual beliefs are there holding me up.

During the past few months I have questioned it all.  I was about to just stop it all.  Just like that.  Everything I had done for over 20 years just pushed to one side and turned my back on it.  But a few weeks ago I felt like something had prodded me.  I had an urge to go out onto my street and really see what was there.  I then felt something was calling me (as twee as that sounds) and I couldn’t ignore it.
Last July one of my dogs died – he got sick very suddenly and died less than a month later.  Then my brother died, then my Dad got sick and subsequently died.  Then towards the end of June one of my cats went missing – thankfully she turned back up, but it was a tense couple of weeks.
With all of this having happened I just didn’t think that magick and witchcraft really mattered anymore.  What was the point?  Life just wanted me to suffer.  Then me and my husband hit a really bad patch and it was touch and go for a while – we considered splitting up.

There just hasn’t been any room in my life for witchiness and I felt so angry that witchcraft and magick had let me down, so I just stopped really bothering.  Then the need to get back out there slapped me about the face and woke me back up.  And so I am doing this for me, not for any other purpose than my own fulfillment.  I want to do it, it isn’t that I feel I must do it, I am eager to do it by my own free will.

Yesterday I looked at belief.  I spent time pondering exactly what I do believe in – that could very well be another blog post.  I spent time understanding myself and my beliefs and what I expect from it all.  Today I am pondering over choice.
What choices I have made because of witchcraft.  What decisions have led me to where I am now, not really in my everyday life but as a witch.  What I have chosen to do in the name of witchcraft and have I been happy with those decisions, or have I ever regretted them?

Choice does play a huge part in the craft, we just don’t realise how much.

Whenever there are stresses and conflicts in my life, my spiritual practice is the first casualty.  Over the past year I have had so much happen that at times I could have easily thrown the towel in and sunk to the depths of despair.  At my lowest ebb I questioned my belief in witchcraft – you see, when my Dad was sick in hospital I was working hard ritual wise to get him home and it never happened.  On the day he died I stared in disbelief at my witchy stuff, wondering how I had not being able to prevent his death and was ready to turn my back on the all that is witchcraft.
I felt a similar thing when my brother died last December and I had felt like this previously after my Aunty died.  I guess my own mortality really hit me hard, this year I have struggled to get myself out of the dark hole I am in right now.  I feel hopeless at times, I feel like I should be able to do more when it comes to helping my family and there are times I feel as if I am being punished for something.

I know this is all normal when going through the grieving process, and let’s not forget, my brother died just before Christmas last year and then my Dad died 4 months later.  Pretty hard to cope with one death, let alone two,  I guess it is normal to question any faith because that faith was unable to save their lives, even though I know that is ridiculous now, at the time I felt cheated.
But the darkness has started to recede and I am beginning to find a place for myself within the craft again.  Earlier in the autumn I seemed to find my way again but I know I am going to have days where I question everything and feel the dark thoughts take over.

I wanted to do something for myself that would help me reconnect with my witchy self.  In the past when I have felt like this I have re-read certain books, performed a ritual to recommit myself and so on, but I have still, when faced with enormous challenges, found myself questioning all that is witchy.
So, I came up with the idea of doing something craft related everyday for a year and a day.  This may seem like a Wiccan concept – you know, the whole year and a day thing – but it feels like the right thing for me at this time.  Even if I can’t blog for whatever reason I am going to do this and will catch up blog wise at a later date.

The first thing I am going to look at is belief.

Belief is a major part of witchcraft – sounds quite obvious, I know.  It is though, an area where I am lacking from time to time and is probably half of the reason why I all but give up on the craft when I am under extreme stress.  So, for my first task of my 366 day challenge I am going to work on my belief, the belief I have in myself and my talents.