This song popped into my head yesterday and really struck a chord.
“You’ll never change what’s been and done”
The truth in that has….resonated so deeply within me.
My mental health is not great right now, the joys of PTSD and hyper vigilance! I’ve been taking each day as it comes and doing what I can to be gentle with myself. Sometimes it feels like I’m doing great, other days I feel like I can’t manage to hold the demons at bay.
I’m leaning into the divine feminine, the whispers of the goddess, letting the female ways bathe me in their gentle wisdom. I’m not going to lie, some days I feel so hurt inside I’m not sure how I’ve got through. The wounds are so deep and raw, masculine energies stinging already festering wounds of shame, guilt, heartbreak, fear, pain so deep it now feels like part of who I am……
There’s a void inside of me that I haven’t managed to fill, to nurture back to wholenesses. I don’t know how to. The pain and shame come and go, the void remains. There’s a hole inside of me where all of the bad shit falls into and makes its way to the broken parts of me.
There are days I look at my life and think, how have I managed to live for 34 years beyond the apocalypse? Then there are days that bring me so much joy, they light up my life and remind me why I didn’t give in.
I’m going through a process right now. I’m unlearning all of the bad stuff people have said to me that convinced me I wasn’t worthy, I wasn’t enough.
I’ll get there, I know I will. Those bad days will end. The feelings that try to destroy me will fade. I’ll find comfort and joy and peace again, I know I will.