Going inside.

To hear my story you would think I’d never actually healed my wounds. I have been healed, maybe not wholly, maybe that’s part of the problem, or maybe this kind of wound heals akin to a broken bone; the wound knits together but there’ll always be a niggle there.

I’m reading a book at the moment that is an accompaniment to my self discovery journey and in it the author says “we have to go within and address the soundings that live inside”. Going within over the last few weeks I have realised that time and feeling safe will help me heal the massive wound. But the wounds I didn’t realise I carried inside of me, the wounds inflicted upon me by other women, well, I have absolutely no idea how to heal these wounds.

Today I’ve made lists, if you know me you know I love my lists. Lists of the people responsible for the wounds and the affliction that caused each wound. I’ve listed how I felt at the time and how I feel now. It’s helped somewhat because I’ve identified hurt I hadn’t realised I was carrying around with me.

My lists and the book have helped me to realise that I’ve skirted around each wound that these women have caused me, making excuses for their behaviour, not acknowledging that they have well and truly screwed me over.

Going inside has allowed me to face these wounds, and yeah, they’re pretty scary to deal with – it’s all a huge mess that really could do with cleaning up – it’s allowed me to see that I am not the braveheart people call me. A braveheart would’ve faced these wounds and dealt with the messy business of the pain and the suffering and the raw emotions that are part and parcel of self discovery.

Delving deep into my inner core is exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. It’s a journey I’m thoroughly enjoying.

Simple Pleasures.

One of the things I have found whilst recovering from a PTSD episode is to make sure self love and self care are high on my agenda.

I have candles lit, incense burning, herbal tea to drink and I’m reading a book. Life in this very moment feels peaceful.

Healing.

I am sat here at a little after 11pm on a Saturday night listening to the rain. I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but here goes; I’ve missed the rain, really missed it. I know, I know, I can’t believe I’m saying that either!

I live in a part of the UK that sees a higher percentage of rainfall than most areas and I’m often to be found moaning about the excess precipitation. But we’ve had an actual summer this year, not as hot as the south of the country, but that’s fine because it’s been far too hot for a delicate soul like me!!!

All joking aside we actually need the rain. The ground is so dry. The river outside my house is exceptionally low, well it was, the rain we are forecast may actually change that. Plus, the rain means our reservoirs fill up and this means we are no longer at the mercy of a hosepipe ban. Where I live hadn’t actually enforced the ban, we’d had a few showers over the last couple of weeks and people had been really good about saving water. Hopefully the latest band of rain that is set to sweep across this part of the country will help to prevent any ban coming into force.

I’ve also found I actually miss the sound of rain. Despite moaning about it most of the time I actually find it soothing. OK, yes, there comes a point when this area has too much rain, but too little has an effect on us too.

So, I’m sat here listening to the rain and contemplating life. It’s been rough, really rough for me lately. An old wound got opened up and horrific flashbacks seeped out leaving me crippled with PTSD symptoms. I’d struggled for a while and then finally managed to get a decent night’s sleep a few days ago, which certainly helped me gain some much needed clarity. But yesterday and today have been pretty rough for me and I’ve struggled with the enormity of it all.

Then came the rain. This will sound strange, but for all the rain makes noise as it falls, it also brings a hushed presence with it. People are less inclined to be outside. I’m not such an ogre that I can’t stand people being outside in their own gardens, but when you’re battling demons inside your own head other people’s noise really can agitate your already frayed nerves. The energy around me feels calm now. Clean. How it should be. I feel cleansed, as does the energy around me.

What’s in a lie?

I was recently told that someone I consider a friend had been secretly lying about me. At first I was shocked, then angered, what did I ever do to warrant such bullshit? My first reaction was to confront the liar, but I stopped and thought about what would happen next. You see, I’ve been here before and it doesn’t go so well. More lies are spewed forth and then the secret conversations start.

Instead of giving this person short shrift I remained silent. I could have had it out with them. I could have told the people who were lied to about me that none of what was said was true, but my memory of the previous times this happened prevented me from doing this.

So what’s in a lie?

Well, in my case it’s the invented slights I’ve apparently done to this person. Most of what has been said borders on slanderous. The lies are spread to hurt my reputation. The lies are spread to gain favour with colleagues. The lies are spread to make me look bad and the other person my victim.

Lies ruin lives.

Right now I’m not going to do anything about this situation, I’ve seen the messages and they aren’t pretty! In fact they’re downright nasty and hurtful. What this person hopes to achieve ultimately isn’t clear, but at least I can now keep my eyes and ears open.

Communication woes.

Before I get into this post, I have to point out that it isn’t about anything in my life personally, it is based upon observations I have made lately.

Whenever we post on any of our social media platforms we are saying to our friends lists, and the wider community, this is who I am. A jokey status update on Facebook can be interpreted by another as a threat, or an intention to do harm. A meme that we find hilarious can be misconstrued by another as us taking a potshot at them, in my experience I find at least one person will assume a meme I have posted is aimed at them, when it is actually something that amused me at the time and I wanted to share that humour with my friends list.

So much of what we do and say nowadays is shared on any of the social media platforms, and whilst we think it’s a great idea to share our humour with our friends and family, there will always be at least one person who finds offence in what we post. I’m always baffled when I post a meme that I find amusing that someone will either immediately share a very passive aggressive status, or message me asking if I’m ok. The same can be said when we are having a bad time, or just feel peeved with life; a status update that says you’ll be glad when the day/week/month, or whatever, is over because you are fed up with certain aspects of life, will always have at least one person assuming you’re having a pop at them.

Why??????

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there myself, wondering if a meme or status is aimed at me. Usually I’ll just shrug it off, rarely I’ll do the whole messaging said person to see if I’ve offended them – but that’s the thing, I don’t just ask if they’re ok, I ask if I’ve upset them in any way. I can count on one hand the amount of people who have admitted something I’ve shared or done has upset them, and that’s not me bragging that I’m such an ace person, that’s me pointing out that the person concerned has had the bottle to admit to me they’ve shared a passive aggressive status about me and yes they are upset about something.

Usually though people do that whole bullshit of talking to everyone else about you, even going as far as inventing stuff you’ve done to them, just so they can feel justified in talking utter twaddle about you. I’m a straight shooter, I own my bullshit, my mistakes, my flaws. I still manage to offend people, we are all human beings after all and it’s fairly difficult to breeze through life without stepping on anyone’s toes. I always ask that people come to me if they’re offended by anything I do or say, because sometimes I believe what I’m doing or saying is inoffensive, but someone else is incensed by what I’ve said or done. And that’s ok, because like I said, we are all humans and humans make mistakes. We all see the world through different eyes and what looks and sounds like a joke to one person is highly offensive for another.

If you look at any form of entertainment these days you will find warnings attached for a variety of things, from swearing to nudity, to violence and anything else that might offend someone. Whilst I think that these warnings are fair enough, and probably warranted in a lot of content, sometimes I’m left baffled by why such a warning has been issued. It still baffles me that people get all het up over swearing, it’s just words for goodness sake! But sadly, people find swearing to be so offensive that they complain about it. OK, that’s their prerogative and absolutely their right, but what I’ve found is that a whole swathe of people offended by swearing actually turn a blind eye to things such as poverty, abuse, homophobia, racism, and anything else that actually effects us all. That’s what grinds my gears, the sort of people who complain about swearing but can’t get angry over other offensive things.

But that’s life, we are all different and all view the world from very different perspectives. I just wish people would take this on board when they see something on social media. I just wish they’d ask themselves if the poster meant it as a joke. If in doubt they should just scroll on past, but alas, the offended person will just go right ahead and make a stink up about something that isn’t really a big deal.

Facebook is a prime example of such occurrences. People will report breastfeeding mothers photos, claiming it’s nudity, yet they’ll allow photos of women who are scantily clad – and for the record neither bother me. They’ll remove posts and photos and temporarily ban someone who jokes about throttling their kids – lets face it, as parents we’ve all said similar when exasperated by our offspring! – but Facebook will not remove photos or posts of trolls saying vile things about dead babies. The list of such things is endless and is a prime example of communication woes – misunderstanding what someone has meant by saying they could throttle their child when they’ve worked themselves all day is a fairly dangerous miscommunication. A throwaway comment made by an exasperated parent could land them in trouble with the authorities all because someone reports them without fully understanding that they are not about to hurt their child.

A comment like “shoot me now” used when a person has unwittingly found themselves in an embarrassing situation can have serious repercussions, all because someone has found offence in what the poster has said. To these people I would say, “ask if you truly believe what the person is posting is true”. Of course this won’t happen because the anonymity afforded to these people means that they can wade through life reporting everything and anything they see online. My motto is simple, think about what you’ve seen, does the person in question often make remarks like this? In incidences where they’ve said something about their child, think; are they always posting photos of their child? Does the child look healthy, cared for, loved?

Common sense should always be applied when we see or hear something, sadly it is lacking, especially on social media platforms. Not being able to see how a person is behaving when they say something, not being able to hear the tone in their voice, this has removed some people’s ability to understand what is actually being said and instead they act without proper thought to what the consequences will be.