A sign of growth.

Yes to this a million times and more. Mistakes, bad choices, actions that were not favourable and perhaps caused upset, all of that and more. Is it really worth holding onto the negative bullshit that’s accumulated?

I know, I get it, I’ve been that person myself, feeling anger towards someone for actions in their past. Holding on to the “grudge”. But it’s so exhausting. It’s so unhealthy. It doesn’t allow you to grow.

Letting it go and allowing yourself to move forward, past their actions, deeds, words, etc. Even if you don’t speak to this person again, it feels so much healthier to let go of the version you hold of them. It doesn’t even need to be about that person, it works just as well for you. Allowing you to be free of the negative energies from your past with this person.

Just let it all go and move forward for YOU.

Truth be known….

……I saw a meme the other day that said something like “just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I’m bigger than that. I still wanna see you eat, just not at my table.”

That sat with me for a while. Made me question whether I harbour any animosity towards people who I’m no longer friends with.

Yeah, there are one or two, but what’s gone is gone. They’re women, they have their wants and needs just the same as me. I wish them no ill will. I hope they’re doing great. I’m happy for whatever life blessings they’re basking in now.

I haven’t got the time to be wishing them harm, or doing anything to hurt them. We’re maybe not friends anymore, but I hope they’re happy. I’m all about women supporting other women. That’s what I’m interested in, not drawing up enemy lines and firing negative shit their way.

Happy To Be Me.

I don’t know how many times I have “watered” myself down so as not to offend people. The very same people who are disrespecting me, disregarding me, intentionally hurting me.

Getting deep with myself showed me how little I thought about my own regard. I deserve love. Respect. Kindness. Honesty. I’m not here to be a some time option. Or to be treat like something someone stood in. I’m here for me. For my purpose.

I honour my purpose. I honour me. I have no intention of allowing people to piss all over me ever again. I’m doing me. Just me. I’m not “up for the gossip”, not here to rain on anyone’s parade. I am all about supporting women, not tearing them down out of jealousy or fear.

Life is a beautiful journey. It’s all about living and honouring you. Your beautiful self. Authentically you. There’s only one of you. Honour yourself. Respect yourself. You are so worth it.

Love who you are.

If you’ve been around my blog long enough you’ll know that I have been at odds with who I am for a very long time. The event in 1987 changed me from a sassy 16 year old, who believed she could take on the world, to a broken girl who lost her self identity. It took many PTSD episodes, counselling, therapy with psychiatrists and a whole lot of heartbreak to find who I am.

I’ve shared my progress with those closest to me, they have witnessed me returning back to the self-confident woman I am once again. It’s all too easy to say that I’ve got here by this therapy technique, or that type of medication, if only it were as simple as that. I have worked hard on my issues, left behind people, places, beliefs, negative self talk, and much, much more to get to where I am now.

Being myself has always been my goal, ever since my identity was ripped away from me when I was 16. I never thought it would take so long to get here, but it’s ok, lessons learnt along the way have left me with so much life experience.

I’ve spent a few days pondering over a conundrum in regards to an old friend. The friend that lied about me and owing them money. With my self confidence finally returned I felt it was only natural to get in touch and ask why they were saying such vile things about me. It felt like something I needed to do. But with each passing day I found I just couldn’t be doing with the nuclear bomb of toxicity that would go off should I get in touch with them.

So I haven’t bothered. I’ve realised it doesn’t even matter. I know I have never borrowed money from this person. Ever. I know the truth. The people who get this tale aren’t people I’m even acquainted with, let alone friends, so what does it matter if I get to shout my truth from the rooftops? It’s not worth the time and energy that this would entail. I’d rather concentrate on myself and how much I have to look forward to.

Loving me. Loving who I am. Loving my life.

I’ve said this before, loving you is not a vain or self centred act. You love yourself first and foremost. You know about giving yourself oxygen first in a plane crash, right? Well loving you first is the same principle. You love you. You take care of you. You nurture you. You have time dedicated to self care for you. I’ve done this and more in the past, but buried deep issues prevented me from fully believing I was worthy of such love for myself. I preached this, a lot, in my business and with clients. But I didn’t truly believe I was worthy of my own self love.

People would lie to me, talk about me, try to hurt me, and I would fall into the trap of believing what smack talk they were aiming at me. I mean, surely if this was being said about me it must be right, right?

Hell no!!!

If someone has an issue with you then that’s their issue to deal with. If you’re not intentionally hurting someone, or lying, or breaking laws, then what can you really do about it? It isn’t on you to make them change their opinion. You just need to carry on shining brightly and showing up for yourself, and for the people who you want to have in your life.

Being uniquely you is a tremendous gift and absolute pleasure. Each day you live your life attuned with your own vibration, enjoying life, feeling grateful, being mindful of how you conduct yourself. This is what your true purpose is, being uniquely you. The rest that follows is the beautiful thing called life. Whatever you do with your time, if it makes you happy, then that is what matters.

When I was trying to feel me I spent so much time searching for my life purpose. I tried my hand at this and that, never fully feeling at one with what I was doing. I was exhausted. Unhappy. Unfulfilled. The negative self talk was running rife through my mind, causing me no end of problems, having me fall victim to negative suggestions about myself.

And then I realised how unique we all are. My gifts are mine. My perception is mine. Your gifts and perception are yours. What we each do with those gifts will help to shape us throughout our lives. Forever learning, continually growing. This is life. This is our purpose.

Healing from trauma.

Trauma hits on all levels. It’s complex, yet simple. We store traumatic memories within our body, so even when we heal our minds the trauma lives on inside of us.

This is the beginning of my journey down this path. I can see how I’ve been affected for many years and now I want to work with removing trauma from my body.

Better late than never…

Life is OTT busy right now. I’ve been telling myself that being too busy makes me sick, it sort of does, but that’s not the whole story.

Being too busy stresses me out. Stress makes me ill. As I’ve come to the end of another year of uni studies I can see where the changes need to be made.

Study is important to me, I need to devote time to that. Family is important too, obviously, and just as obviously time needs devoted to this area too.I’ve decided to cut back on social media and limit my time on YouTube.

I’ve amassed a rather large collection of self care books and I’m finally heeding the message, look after myself too.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, we need to look after us, ourselves. It’s not selfish, it’s vital.

When adults can’t adult.

I saw this meme on Facebook last week and immediately said “omg yes”

A couple of years ago someone I thought was my friend just ghosted me. This wasn’t the first time they did this, but this time I was going though some personal stuff and got friend dumped.

And because they did this mutual friends did it too. I can categorically say I did nothing to any of them, but the friend lied about me. Wicked lies that claimed I borrowed £10k and hadn’t paid it back. Wicked lies that claimed me and someone else went to their place of work and stole from them. Side note: I’ve never met either in real life.

I cannot abide people who dislike and fall out with other people because a friend told them lies and expects them to fall out with that person too. What are we, 12? The scene in my head where this happens is of a high school corridor and Frenemy flounces past with their crew, all eyes straight ahead acting like I don’t exist.

This stuff happens in educational establishments the world over. Once we reach maturity and leave those places behind, childish practices get left behind too.

Mostly.

Sadly, for some people, they aren’t happy unless there is conflict and drama. The person I am referring to has this down to pat. And so many fall for their bullshit. Alienating people on a whimsical notion of loyalty to their chum.

My message is loud and clear: if you dislike me, make sure I have actually done something to you and not because your puppet master has said so.

New chapter.

It was my birthday recently and for the first time since I was 16 I felt amazing. The day was quiet. I spent it doing normal day to day stuff, then went out for afternoon tea with my husband.

Happiness. Simple pleasures.

I began 2022 with the intention of healing. That was my theme of the year. I wouldn’t say I’m healed completely, but so much darkness has lifted from me. So much clarity.

Moving forward knowing that I’m recovering.