Shadow Work.

I was called to write this post after recent events in my life.

During the pandemic and lockdown my PTSD was triggered so badly that my GP has put me back on anti-depressants. This was a long thought out decision, one I resisted for so long.

But taking the meds has brought my hyper vigilance under some semblance of control, it’s also shifted my mood from dark and bleak to one of optimism. This has led me to doing a lot of inner/shadow work on myself.

Staring back at the dark side of yourself, when all that’s been presenting for the past three years is the dark side, is no bundle of fun. How I have acted, reacted, treat people, shunned people for reasons I cannot even fathom now, that is an ugly and dark place to be rooting around in.

This self reflection upon the dark side of myself has shown me how wounded I am inside. That’s not an excuse, it’s the truth of what shows up for people affected by trauma. Healing that part of me is my priority right now. I want to say how this feels, but I cannot find the right words to express this.

The up side of doing this shadow work is all of the tools I am being give access to. Tools I am able to use on myself to aide my recovery. Part of the work I am doing deals with my inner child. The results of this work have been amazing. The youngest part of me is all good. The seven year old part of me hurts because this was when my seemingly perfect life was shattered – my Dad had a heart attack. Being told this tore my perfect, innocent childhood down.

The pre teen part of me is all good, as is thirteen year old me. At fourteen I rebelled and fifteen year old me has issues. This is even before sixteen year old me is brutally attacked.

Fifteen year old me hurts. She hurts because people around her don’t treat her very well, but at the time I didn’t notice. So I carry this hurt around with me and then I get attacked and my inner child is hurt beyond belief.

This is very much a work in progress. It’s dark, it’s painful, it’s triggering and in the present I’m struggling to deal with rejection in any way. And I was rejected for something just recently. Being turned down when you’re dealing with grief stricken, traumatised, betrayed and hurt parts of yourself isn’t pleasant.

Job rejection. Friend requests denied. Overlooked for positions that I am probably more than qualified for. This is just a small sample of the recent rejections that are showing up and triggering my inner child. Present me understands rejection as being a normal process in life, it is what it is. Inner child me is hurting and screaming in pain. She isn’t seeing this as just a normal part of life, she’s seeing it as a massive kick in the teeth.

“What have I ever done to you” that’s the cry I hear over and over again from my wounded inner child.

Doing shadow work is really hard. It takes its toll on you and leaves you feeling tender hearted and heart sore. That said, I’m already seeing the benefits of it; the younger me, seven year old, she’s doing fine now. Doing that work really cleared so much inner turmoil and long-standing grief, and I feel more able to work on teenage me. This one is taking longer. She’s really hurting.

I can’t say how long this recovery process will take, it certainly isn’t going to be a quick process. The darkness inside is all consuming, but I have tools to shine light into this darkness. We will get there, me and my teenage self.

If you’re ever considering doing shadow work and have struggled with depression, or even another mental health issue, I recommend speaking to your care provider first. Prior to doing this work I had the blessing of both my GP and therapist. This work can lead you down a very dark path and you need to be prepared for what comes up.

Choose Love.

These past few weeks have been fuelled by fear, it’s been really difficult to be led by anything else. But it’s time to let go of that fear and to choose love. To trust in the universe once again.

Choose love.
Be guided by the universe.

Monday Musings. 20/04/2020.

I’ve racked my brains all day for something uplifting and inspiring to say to you all. I have nothing. I’m struggling emotionally and I’m finding lockdown is triggering me.

From me and Storm I hope you all have a wonderful week and give yourself the time and space you need to just be.

Don’t look at me man, I’ve got nothing either 🤷‍♀️

Self care during a pandemic.

If, like me, you’re really struggling mentally and emotionally during this pandemic and especially if you’re in lockdown, chances are you could benefit from some self care.

When the Covid19 virus started making headlines back at the beginning of the year it felt scary for me. I read as much as I could about it, and with each passing week it got closer to home.

Around ten days ago my brain/thoughts had just had enough. I already socially distance myself anyway so that wasn’t a real hardship for me. But then the UK went into lockdown.

As a person who spends a lot of time at home I really thought this would be a breeze for me. A couple of days in and I started to struggle. I don’t know what it was about the enforced staying at home, it just suddenly started making me feel so very claustrophobic.

This is when I had suddenly decided I’d had enough of the endless news cycles churning out everything and anything Coronavirus related. Social media channels were just as bad too. Everyone had something to say and everyone was an expert, it was driving me nuts.

Enough was enough for me. Now I limit my time on social media (I was doing this mostly anyway) and the browsing of news is very limited too. Instead, I have been focusing on self care and trying to be as kind and gentle to myself as possible.

When I was writing this post I felt called to draw an Oracle Card. The card is from The Sacred Self-Care Oracle deck by Jill Pyle. The Card I drew is Music.

Choose music that resonates with you and holds a positive vibration.
Music always has the power to move me one way or another, and I think at a time like this music can really help aid relaxation. Music allows us to forget our troubles, even if it’s only for a while. It has fantastic healing abilities and is such a feel good past time.

Whether you’re into rock or pop music, or whether it’s classical or easy listening, now is a good time to crank up the music and set your worries aside for awhile.
I also found this info sheet online when I was browsing for some self care ideas and activities. I think Dominee has provided a fantastic resource here to help with those gnawing negative thoughts.

Love ❤️

In the current world climate I think it is important to know that love is actually inside of us all. We can help ease this suffering if we radiate our love light instead of pouring out hatred.

This doesn’t mean that love will cure the virus, it means that love can help us overcome our need to panic buy when we already have enough. It means we can show compassion to people instead of fearing them.

Love is the currency and the emotion that we need right now. Love can and will lead the way.

Keep moving forward.

We are living through the scariest, darkest times since World War II and our world is changing. In just a few short days we’ve gone from observing countries on lockdown to being on the verge of lockdown ourselves.

And it’s terrifying.

Washing our hands, avoiding crowded places, self isolating, feeling frustrated and angry when the panic buyers have left us without our basic essentials, this has become the new norm for us.

And it’s terrifying.

I was asked a day or two ago how I’m coping. Like everyone else I’m bewildered by the world we are now living in. I feel lost at times, definitely scared, but I have no choice but to keep moving forward.

Taking each day as it comes. Sometimes hour by hour, minute by minute, that’s how I’m coping. Moving forward as slowly as I need to. It’s all we can do in these uncertain times.

Just breathe.

Amid all of the coronavirus mayhem we all need to take a moment to just breathe. This isn’t me dismissing the severity of what’s happening, I just want to remind you all to take a breath. Take a moment out of the chaos and confusion. Take a moment out of the fear and the anger and just breathe.

Healing.

Healing has to be what is right for you. That’s something I’ve learnt along the way. My healing may appear messy, loud, outspoken, a sort of why are you doing/saying that. My healing is my journey and your healing is yours, it only has to make sense to the person who is healing.