There’s a huge debate going on all over England- in homes, online, in government, in the media – about whether England should go into another lockdown.
This isn’t a political post. This is my personal reason for why I do not want another nationwide lockdown.
My mental health buckled under the last lockdown. I was on the verge of a breakdown, all brought to the fore by lockdown.
Yes, I’m on medication now, but there’s no emotional support here once everything locks down. Everyone is dealing with their own personal crises once lockdown hits. Me saying “I’m drowning again, please help” feels very selfish when people have their own MH to worry about.
I don’t want to have to be in that dark place again. Fear having control of my life. Not being able to sleep because hyper vigilance is ramped up to the max. The four walls closing in on me, jumping at any noise outside and wondering who might be watching.
Yes, this all sounds selfish when you compare it to what’s happening with the pandemic. I just don’t know if I’ll survive another lockdown mentally.
For so long I’ve hidden away when it comes to connecting with new people. Online it’s easy to hide, in real life not so much.
Last night I had a group thing to attend online, I’d said that I’d go and I meant it. I started getting panicky around 10 minutes before the event was due to start.
I was still determined to go.
As the event started I couldn’t get into the room. How easy it would’ve been to just walk away, figuratively speaking. Hiding behind technical issues is lame, but it was true.
But the organiser swapped over to zoom and I had to re-download the app – my phone archives unused and rarely used apps when it updates the software.
Again, the panic was setting in. What would people think of me? Would they judge me? I felt nervous about how I looked. How I’d sound. I didn’t feel ready or good enough. But then a voice inside me said “show up as you are”.
Showing up as I am, last night, meant no make-up, casual clothing, no voice (I’ve lost my voice due to a cold) and wearing my glasses – something I rarely do unless I can wear my prescription sunglasses.
It meant trusting in the universe. Trusting that everything would be OK. Trusting that nobody would care how I looked, or sounded.
And so I clicked join and the world didn’t end. Everything was fine. I had a good time and I’m pleased I pushed through the panic.
Showing up as we are is scary as hell, but it’s so rewarding.
I’ve just binge-watched Messiah on Netflix. I’d initially set out to watch this when it premiered here in the UK (early January), but with one thing or another I never did get round to it.
I’m not religious, but I am curious. I’m curious about what people believe in and why they believe what they do. I’m curious about what inspires a person to have faith in something or someone. I’m curious about how the teachings of love, peace, harmony, acceptance, etc are taught throughout the world, in all religions and belief systems, and yet arguing and fighting over who is right, or whose God – or Goddess – is the one true deity.
I believe in love, peace and harmony. I believe in acceptance and tolerance. I believe that we are free to choose our faith and belief system, and I believe that nobody has the right to tell us that what we believe in is wrong.
The show was very thought provoking and had many angles that left questions to ponder upon. It’s a shame that Netflix aren’t renewing it for a second season, I felt there was plenty of potential and plenty of storylines that could’ve sustained another season. But I guess that’s the nature of entertainment.
Recently I’ve realised even the most well meaning people, those who claim they are forgiving and non-judging, even they fall short. It sounds quite obvious when I see the words before me, after all, none of us are perfect.
I’ll say it again: None of us are perfect.
It’s hard to forgive people who have hurt you, boy don’t I know it! But I’m the type of person who will give people a million chances, and then a million more.
People I’ve known for a long time and who I’m connected to personally, professionally, even spiritually, are some of the people I end up forgiving over and over again. We have connection. We have history. We supposedly have friendship…… I have given chances to them, even when they’ve lied about me to peers.
I have struggled with my mental health in the last three years and the ones who I thought would have my back have used my “sins” as a tool to punish me with, hence some of the lies.
I hear them preaching love and forgiveness, but I know it’s all a facade as their version of forgiveness is selective. This leads me to wondering why some people are all talk and no action, and others – usually the ones who have struggled and suffered the most – cannot bear to see other people suffering.
My “sin” is that when shit gets real for me I hide away from people who I am supposed to trust. But trust is not something I can easily slip into when PTSD comes a-calling. Trauma victims often shut down and go into survival mode, where there is no room for anyone but themselves. It isn’t personal, it’s trauma related behaviour.
I’ve been labelled as distant, cold, hard-faced, incapable of feeling, etc when I’m in survival mode. This is quite a shocking thing to hear when someone you believe has your best interests at heart says this about you.
It doesn’t help with the trust issues, but reinforces that trauma related dialogue that goes on inside your head. It reinforces your belief that you are everything your abuser or attacker said about you. It reinforces that lack of self worth you have honed over many years of hating upon yourself.
It is a very difficult cycle to break. Our minds are constantly churning out thoughts and if we allow the negative stuff free reign, it quickly takes over.
There was a time when I would believe I was unworthy of love and friendship. I would believe that if this person wasn’t willing to forgive me then I must be awful. Or if that person wasn’t willing to forgive me I must be a truly shitty human.
I know I am not.
I know I am worthy of love, happiness, friendship, peace, and much more.
I can’t change the past, it happened. I can’t change how I acted or reacted, it’s in the past. I have apologised to the people who I hurt, whether they forgive me or not is up to them. I have forgiven myself for feeling bad about how acted when I was in the midst of a PTSD episode. I have forgiven myself for acting in that way.
I believe that to truly forgive people you must first learn to forgive yourself.
If 2020 has taught us anything it is that life can change dramatically in the blink of an eye.
We are trying to rebuild our lives whilst the world is still falling apart all around us. I believe this is a must for us all, despite what this extremely weird year has brought for us.
Holding on to pain and suffering is not going to bring us our lives back as they once were. The way things were is dead and gone. We have to use the pain and suffering as stepping stones to out new way of life.
We owe ourselves that much. We owe ourselves the honour of getting to live beautiful lives. We owe it to the people who haven’t survived this crazy year.
Live life, passionately, fully, with gratitude and enjoyment. Create the life you want for yourself, use the crazy energy that this year has left to propel you forward on a new venture.